Finally an Update with Picture

Rosemary Alice

2/25/09 7:49am

7lb. 12oz. 21" long

I'm so sorry that it took me forever to post this! Coming home was really overwhelming. I have lots more pictures, of course, but I can't find the cord thingy for the camera. I guess it's still in my bag that I haven't unpacked. I don't know why I was so overwhelmed...she sleeps like, 22 hours a day. I even have to wake her up to feed her. Totally different with Ben. She's a good nurser, too, which I was worried about. Us girls, we like our food and sleep.

Having two at home now, I don't feel the obsessive need to play "catch up" like I did before. Even bringing Ben home--I still felt like there was someone missing. Well, because there was. There is, I should say. But I feel a little more complete now. Although I think that I will always be jealous of people with two boys. I don't know. I was worried that no matter how many kids I had, I would never have enough. I know that no matter how many I have, there will always be a hole. I can't bring him back. I guess I'm just shocked at this peaceful feeling I have that has been gone for three years. But it could be hormones.

Everything with her birth went very smoothly. I have some very gory pictures of my c-section. The nurse took the camera from my husband...I won't be posting those. Rosie screamed in the recovery room for about 30 minutes and I thought, "Oh man, what have I gotten myself into?" But really, she's made hardly a peep since then. She's a sweet girl. Ben is adjusting pretty well, I think. We've just been trying to keep him really busy and away from Rosie. He's pretty rough, but he's only 16 months old...he doesn't know any better. He tries to climb in my lap when I'm nursing, which breaks my heart a little bit. But all in all, it's been easier going from one kid to two. Maybe we're a little more confident this time. But everything could change when she hits 6 weeks, so I don't want to jinx us. More pictures when I find that stupid cord.

She's here! Healthy & so pretty! More soon....

12 Hours to Go!

Okay, we just have to get through one more night! I am not packed and all of the new stuff--double stroller, car seat, bad ass i-pod compatible swing--still in original boxes. I'm going to pack in here in a minute, though. Tom can get all all the other stuff ready this week. We used all of Nate's stuff with Ben, so there was nothing to unbox. I've just been too superstitious to do yet.

Rosie has been really busy today, be-bopping around in there. I had my last OB appointment and everything looks good. We have to be at the hospital at 6 in the morning and my surgery is at 7:30.


Thank you so much for all of your good vibes and thoughts. I love you guys a lot. I'll update as soon as I can!

Here's a sneak preview. I think she looks just like her brothers.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

She was supposed to be born today. Yesterday was my amnio and she just isn't ready yet. Now I'm scheduled for the 25th and this is going to be a long, scary week. Of course I don't want her to arrive before she's ready--time in the NICU would be awful. For both of us. I don't ever, ever want to go to my hospital's NICU again. I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm a wreck. I've been crying all morning. I've been a shitty mom to Ben and I don't see that improving this week. I think I'm afraid to move too much.

I have to keep reminding myself that right now, everything is okay. She didn't die. She just wasn't born today. She's still okay in there. And I have to keep reminding myself that I won't go as long as I did with Nate, I don't have the horrible swelling that I did with Nate. I had Ben at 38.5 weeks and that turned out okay. We just lost Nate so fast. Everything was fine and then suddenly it wasn't. I've been going back and forth with this all day and it's driving me crazy. There is nothing I can do but breathe, breathe, breathe. And some new yarn might help, too.

3

I thought he'd cry when the balloons floated away, but he didn't. Maybe he understood more than I thought he would. Happy Birthday, Sweet Pea.

Birthday Eve

I cried myself to sleep last night. I've been on the verge of a panic attack for days now. I knew that it was going to be hard being pregnant on Nate's birthday...especially this pregnant. Goddammit, this makes me so mad. It's not fair that I have to be so scared. Too scared to remove tags and wash little pink things. Too scared to have even prepared any semblance of a nursery. She'll be here in 19 days and all I can do is just sit here and hope I don't explode. It doesn't make it one bit easier that I've done this before. In fact, I think that I'm a little more freaked out this time than I was with Ben. I don't know why. Maybe I was just as freaked but don't remember. That's why I'm doing it again.

I miss him. I hate this.

Little Brother

I walked into Ben's bedroom this afternoon. He'd been too quiet and I wanted to see what he'd gotten into. He had his back to me, standing there and digging through his baskets of weird, random toys that I keep in there. Plastic cups, happy meal toys, junk like that. He was puttering so quietly and looked so small standing there. Alone. For the first time it really struck me how unfair it was that he got cheated out of a big brother and he doesn't even know it yet. To watch him play all by himself makes my heart hurt.