So that was Christmas. That was the Christmas that I held so much anticipation and hope for in my heart as I packed up the decorations last year. It, of course, wasn't the holiday that I had imagined last year, but it wasn't completely terrible. And I think that it was because I had absolutely no expectations for it. I didn't try to make it anything that I didn't feel like making it, and I know that is because I had a "heads up" from all of you. I just wanted to smile, get through a couple of days and then take down the damn decorations, putting them back in the boxes with just the simple hope that next year is better.
The big morning at my house was nice. My family came over for breakfast and my sister stopped by without my nephew. As much as it hurts me to think it, I'm glad that I didn't see him that morning. I'm not sure that I could have held it together. That afternoon, we went to Tom's family Christmas and it wasn't baby-free, much to my chagrin. I'm not exactly sure who this girl would be to me...step-cousin-in-law? She and I were pregnant at the same time last year, and she had a little girl in March, I think. Anyway, she was there and she kept giving me these scared sideways looks, like I was completely mental and she didn't know what I was going to do next. Maybe steal her baby and run out the door or something. Oh I'm being dramatic. She probably was feeling the same way I would feel if I was seeing someone who had a dead baby while I held my live one...really fucking bad and uncomfortable. Also maybe a little guilty. The last time that I had seen her was at my mom's house after Nate's burial and I'm still pissed at her for being pregnant at my son's funeral. I wish that she had just sent a card. That sounds nuts and I don't care. I was a total bitch to her after the funeral and I don't care about that either. I was nice to her at Christmas and that's what's important. I even held her kid. How's that? (Actually, if it was a boy I probably would have had to leave. I have a terrible time around baby boys. Duh.) Other than that, the day was absolutely great. As long as I put myself on auto-pilot, didn't think too hard about anything and put lots of Bailey's in my coffee.
Do you know what would have been nice? For people to acknowledge that we had a son and that possibly this Christmas was going to be really difficult. No one wanted to upset me, I guess. I'm so tired of people tiptoeing around me. Like I'm a timebomb. Oooh, don't make her cry. But really, if the last time you saw me I was greatly withchild, don't fucking act like it never happened. Just say...something. Like "I'm so sorry." It 's not like I want to be coddled and I don't want a lot of attention drawn to it, but say something. I don't have much, and the acknowledgement from someone that he exisited means a lot. Because sometimes I think that I made up the whole thing.
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7 comments:
That is so true, I also sometimes think that I dreamt the whole thing and it never really happened. And it is SO much better to say something than to say nothing at all. I have been very angry at some people who said nothing even at the time and then sent us Christmas cards which didn't even acknowledge that we had a baby this year and he died.
Good for you for being nice to that woman at Christmas. And it was sensitive of your sister not to show up with your nephew.
I think our Christmas was okay because the same as what you said, I had no expectations, or expectations that it would be absolutely terrible.
Lots of happiness to you in 2007 Laura.
I'm sorry. I know I can't replace all the people in your life who are supposed to do better...but I'm sorry on their behalf anyway.
That is the strangest sensation, isn't it? That "was it all a dream" sensation. It sounds like you handled Christmas well, and now it is done and gone, though anniversaries and birthdays still to be faced. It is too bad that those huge hurdles that you are facing are not being acknowledged by the family around you. But they don't get it and never will.
I do. And I am sending you a lot of love and empathy.
Yes, it does sound like you made it through that particular landmine okay. I am glad your sis was sensitive...and thank goodness for the Bailey's.
I am sorry Nate wasn't acknowledged more. Sending you lots of ((((((hugs))))))
I totally know what you mean about dreaming the whole thing and that none of it ever really happened. I still feel that sometimes. And I know exactly what you mean about people ignoring the subject of our dead babies. That was the thing that hurt me the most, and pissed me off the most, in the first year. Really really annoying. All we want is a brief acknowledgment of our babies and our grief and pain. I needed that sooooo much and almost no one gave it to me. Sorry you had that experience as well. People suck. I really hope I can teach my children NOT be the like that, but to be more empathetic. (((hugs)))
Thanks for making me not feel like an insane person. Over 2 years later, I think I still have a hard time around baby boys. A friend of mine just had one on my son's birthday. I haven't met him yet, but that's a whole other story I can't really get into here.
You know what? I always thought that people didn't mention Julian because they didn't want to upset me, which is upsetting in and of itself for a whole host of reasons, but get this--someone close to me who sees me every day actually admitted that sometimes she FORGETS, now that I have Natalie. Which is even worse!
Luckily, I can be honest with this person, so it hasn't ruined our friendship, but it makes me wonder if other people have forgotten, too, as unfathomable as that is for me to believe. If it were someone else around me, I'm sure I would be thinking "that's the woman with the baby who died" every time I saw her, but maybe I'm just crazy like that. I really don't get what goes on in most people's minds.
I just wanted to delurk and say that, though I don't know you, I DID think of your little Nate on Christmas... I have another "friend" from high school that I have kept in contact with off and on through email. She sadly lost her baby boy about 18 months ago and has since had another. I think of this little boy that I have never known or even seen pictures of on a very regular basis as well. I'm not sure what I am trying to say here, other than you and your family were thought about and prayed for (in my own way) this Christmas and forever. I hope you have a peaceful 2007...
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