Today I was running some errands and thinking that I should go out to the cemetery and see Nate. I haven't been since his birthday and I really should go and make sure that there aren't any old, gnarly arrangements left there. And then, like always, I become sad and angry that I even have to go to the cemetery. I didn't go.
When I got home, I checked the mail and along with the Compassionate Friends newsletter there was a mailing from Huggies proclaiming, "Play it Up! Your baby is 15 months old!" Fuck you, Huggies. Irony is such a heaving bitch.
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This blog sucks. I haven't been writing not because I'm pregnant and I've moved on or whatever. I'm just really having a terrible time. I made it past that 12 week mark and into the second trimester (either yesterday or two weeks ago, depending on who you talk to), and I'm so excited about that. But now I'm already dreading the third trimester. I feel like there is a bomb strapped to my belly. I'm going to be tiptoeing through this entire pregnancy, however long it lasts. And that's the scary part.
Being pregnant makes me feel closer to Nate, but miss him more at the same time. If this baby gets here, I wonder if that will continue? And that makes me wonder if I'll ever be happy again? Is everything always, always going to be bittersweet? Will there ever be a time when I can say, "You know, I'm just completely happy right now" even if it's just for a moment? What a way to live.
Lately, I've been inundated with the "Is this your first?" question. Probably ten times already. I always say "no, it's my second." I don't volunteer any more information than that, if it stops there, fine. I usually doesn't though. "How old is your first?" they ask. "He would have been one in January. He died a few days after he was born." Then I watch the blood drain from their faces. I don't care. Honestly, it would make me feel a whole hellava lot worse for a long time to not acknowledge Nate just to spare their feelings for a few minutes. My very favorite response to this is, "Oh. It was meant to be." (Pat, pat on my arm.) We've all heard that a million times and I just don't understand this ham-fisted attempt at comfort. Why wasn't it meant to be? Was God sparing the world from something horrible? Was Nate going to be a serial killer? An evil scientist that developed some Ebola-like virus and would have killed scores of people? Was he saving Nate from a violent and painful death at some point in the future? Why wasn't it meant to be? That's crap. Utter crap. Keep your crap to yourself.
Other than being a complete nut, things are going well. My doctor has taken me off of the two week appointments and now I'm going to go every four. I go back on the 18th and then he's going to slip me back in two weeks later for the "big ultrasound" at 18 weeks. The plan is to do an amnio and c-section at 37 weeks. He seems extremely optimistic that the abruption was just the worst luck imaginable and it won't happen again. Lately, though, I've become convinced that something was overlooked in my pregnancy with Nate and no one is telling me. But that they are going to keep an eye out for this mystery thing and catch it before it happens again. I think that I had preeclampsia. I really do.
I've got a couple of posts swirling around in my head, so let's see if they actually make it on this blog anytime soon. I'm not trusting my track record lately.
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7 comments:
One day at a time. Seriously.
I want to slap people who say stupid shit like "It was meant to be". What the hell?? People can be so dumb.
It was meant to be????? Seriously, the thoughtlessness never fails to blow my mind.
As far as the question "will it always be like this?" So far, for me, it isn't exactly the same. But it is all still there, just in a slightly different form. The "I may never mother a live baby" fear is gone, but the "I can't believe that this f***ing unfair s*** happened to us and that C. isn't with us" stuff continues (and sometimes intensifies) every day.
You are doing well. I really think so, even though it feels like CrazyLand.
Everywhere I go with BB, it is "Is this your first?" Sigh.
If you can, keep posting. I've missed you. (((HUGS)))
I'm sorry people are so stupid! And indeed, they are -- i have had plenty of those comments...
Congrats on making it to the 2nd trimester...one day at a time indeed.
Re the question about happiness -- yes, i think you will be happy again. I am, anyway. It is different, and often it is bittersweet, but not always. I don't miss Nicolas less, but the pain is not so acute as the years pass. I grant you, though, that it is not easy when a subsequent baby does arrive. But it is very very worth it.
i hate it was meant to be! stupid people! someone just said to me in regards to Emma, that she probably should have been a miscarriage. HUH? Do people realize how ignorant they are? this person meant well, but in general people really have no clue.
I think that I had preeclampsia. I really do.
That's one thing that's very hard (read: malpractice suit material) to miss. If they're not checking your blood pressure at every appointment, let me know and I'll stop by and hit them upside the head.
ah, the second trimester blahs.
the brutal commercial reminders continue well past my first son's second birthday, so brace yourself. also continual are the "meant to be" fuckwits and the first question - dammit, that question is almost DAILY. there's just no escape.
i can report to you that i am generally happy these days. i've just learned to expect that sometimes i will be sad but mostly i am not.
i'm glad to hear you've got a delivery plan - one less thing over which to stress!
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