Monday, February 26, 2007


Okay, well. Hmmm.

I seem to have been at a loss for words the past couple of weeks. I did this after my miscarriage, too, so I guess that it's something weird that I do. I just haven't known what to say about....anything. I told a bloggy friend this morning, I'm just feeling extremely "blah". No joie de vivre, as they say.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing now. It's like I've given myself that year to do whatever I needed to do...hole myself up, scream and cry, lose 50 pounds, gain a ton back, learn to sew, plant things, scream and cry, pull my hair, scan the obits for dead babies, have a pathological fear of Target and their fucking Lullaby Club, don't return phone calls, don't return emails, bitch at my husband, cry myself to sleep, cry myself awake and then wonder why I'm so goddamned lonely all the time. It boggles my mind that it's been a year. I've been crying for a year. I must be chronically dehydrated.

I've been thinking a lot since his birthday about this time last year. When we finally did go back to our place (we'd stayed with my mom for a few days) I sat at the kitchen table for like, a week. Hours and hours upon end. I am serious. I just sat there listening to the radio and knitting lace pillowcase inserts. Or I would just lay my head down on the table and bawl and scream uncontrollably. But I stayed in the kitchen. The mental pain was so mind numbingly horrible that it even overshadowed the physical pain of my c-section. I remember thinking, "What was everyone's problem with this? It doesn't hurt that bad."

So that's my thing right now. I don't know what to do with myself. All the "firsts" are gone and now every year is just going to blur into each other. His 2nd birthday and his 32nd birthday. Now what? I've turned into a very boring person. Hey, did I tell you that I saw the guy who does the weather on tv at the grocery store this morning? Yeah, that's all I got. I know that it is stupid to say, "Okay, it's been a year. Pull up your big girl panties and get on with things." That's what clueless people say. I guess that I'm afraid that it's been a year and I'm still having trouble functioning on a halfway decent level. When do I get excited about things again?


Catherine said...

Yeah...that acceptance phase is a real bitch, isn't it? It's like, ok, now what? You look around and nothing is where you left it and nothing is as it should be. But you know you're supposed to do something with the pieces...put them back together into some sort of a life. Quite frankly, it sucks and I'm so sorry this is the way it is. I wish it were different. {{{hugs}}}

Bronwyn said...

There is absolutely no timetable to grief. You are feeling the way you are feeling and there is no right or wrong about it. I think we all learn to "cope" on some level, but we never really get over it. Even though it's hard to believe now, there will be happiness again... it will just be a little "different". (((Big hug)))

whatthef*ck said...

well gee let's see...after surviving the loss of your beloved nate, there was the 12 friggin week miscarriage to dash all of your freshly-regrown hope and cast doubt on any and all future pregnancies. after my big disaster, i lost my next baby at 11 weeks and that second one nearly finished me off. after tentatively picking up the pieces of the first disaster, it was absolutely horrible to then suffer another one. it really discouraged me and took away from what i thought might be healing about being pregnant again. so there's that.

my therapist says, "dont get over it,, get through it." she means there is no other way but through the emotions. allow yourself all the space you need to feel whatever you are feeling and i think you'll see the light faster than if you try to get around or over the shittiness.

Brenda said...

I just don't know what to say. I have not finished with all the firsts and I'm scared to be where you are now.

Funny what you said about your c section. I was up just hours after having Zak, running to the NICU. And only having panadol. wondering to myself 'what the hell are all these women talking about, if I can run then why do they carry on about having to go to the loo after a c section'.
Funny what our body/head lets us do when we have to.


Renae said...

I agree with Bronwyn. There is no timetable on grief. I have never lost a child but I imagine if I did you would find me in a nice, white jacket at the state mental hospital. Keep being good to yourself. That's all you can do.

MB said...

I'm so glad you're back. I've missed you. I think there's more on the grief and the anger and the confusion, but I don't know that I've figured it out enough myself to put it into words. So, for now, I'm just happy you're here.

Sarah said...

Yeah... The one year thing. I think I got more depressed after the first year. The realization that this really is forever. The ache is forever. The pain is forever. I think the ache and the pain can change over time, but they don't go away.

Glad to see you back, even if you don't know what to say. :)

kate said...

I'm glad you are back, i have been worrying about you.

I would say the years don't blur -- the firsts are gone but the years do change, the way i feel changes over the year too. And, yeah, periodic long depressions are part of it for me. Which i don't really know what to do about, so no good advice here...just know i am thinking about you! And keep talking, even if it is only about the weatherman ;)

msfitzita said...

I found great relief in the end of that long, horrible year because all the firsts were finally done. But now, as you said, I often find myself just sort of mired in the everyday, rest-of-my-life kind of grief.

Like everyone else has said, I don't think there's a timetable for grief (even thought the experts like to say there is). You heal in stages - in bits and pieces and ups and downs. And you're never fully whole again. I really believe that. I think we just learn to function as a broken person with a tremendous burden of sorrow that the average person will never, ever understand.

I think waiting to feel healed is what makes people crazy - not the sorrow. I don't think you can fully heal. Maybe I'll see things differently in 25 years, but right now I can't imagine ever feeling fully "healed".

It's okay to feel lost and confused. None of this makes sense. In so many ways we're like children learning about life all over again - learning how to survive.

Be kind to yourself. You survived that first year - and you are here to tell the tale. You are strong. Very, very strong.


lauralu said...

i wish i had some wisdom to offer you. i don't have any answers, though. i just keep living with it.

niobe said...

Of course, I don't have any answers. But I think that, in many ways, grief doesn't lessen. Instead, it deepens and becomes so entwined with every fiber of your being that it's impossible to separate your sorrow from your self.

Cheery, huh? I guess I'm feeling a little down too.