The thoughts that I've been having take me by surprise. They come out of nowhere and they are ugly.
The other night while watching TV, a teaser for ER came on. The commercial showed a pregnant Abby and then a crazed gunman in the emergency room. I thought, "Hey, maybe Abby will get shot." It's on tonight, and if that actually happens, I'm going to feel terrible. (Not that I'll be watching it anyway -- I've been boycotting ER since they aired the episode about the surrogate mother that refused the c-section and the baby was born brain dead. I saw that the Thursday before Nate was born and it scared the shit out of me. To think, my biggest worry at the time was that I'd have to have a c-section. Boo-frickin' hoo. I never thought that in a matter of a few days, I'd have my very own brain dead baby. ) Anyway, why would I think something like that, feel bad, then 15 seconds later after a teaser for Will and Grace, hope that Grace loses her baby, too?
I don't like this -- it scares me. I mean, I know that these people aren't real. They aren't even really pregnant for piss sake.
I don't wish bad things for all pregnant people, of course. Maybe I was wishing it on these people because they aren't real. I don't know. It's still as mean as shit, and I hate myself for thinking it.