Thursday, May 18, 2006

Thursday Night Line Up

The thoughts that I've been having take me by surprise. They come out of nowhere and they are ugly.

The other night while watching TV, a teaser for ER came on. The commercial showed a pregnant Abby and then a crazed gunman in the emergency room. I thought, "Hey, maybe Abby will get shot." It's on tonight, and if that actually happens, I'm going to feel terrible. (Not that I'll be watching it anyway -- I've been boycotting ER since they aired the episode about the surrogate mother that refused the c-section and the baby was born brain dead. I saw that the Thursday before Nate was born and it scared the shit out of me. To think, my biggest worry at the time was that I'd have to have a c-section. Boo-frickin' hoo. I never thought that in a matter of a few days, I'd have my very own brain dead baby. ) Anyway, why would I think something like that, feel bad, then 15 seconds later after a teaser for Will and Grace, hope that Grace loses her baby, too?

I don't like this -- it scares me. I mean, I know that these people aren't real. They aren't even really pregnant for piss sake.

I don't wish bad things for all pregnant people, of course. Maybe I was wishing it on these people because they aren't real. I don't know. It's still as mean as shit, and I hate myself for thinking it.


Catherine said...

Been there. Don't beat yourself up over it. Your brain just needs a way to express the anger and the hate. The fact that you feel bad about it means you've got a handle on the release valve and you can let go of some of that unexpressed emotion without letting it all get out of control. (just my two cents)

delphi said...

I agree with catherine. And I know you read my post a few weeks back re: pregnancy hatred, so you know I am in your camp. It's the ugly side, all right, but there it is. No point in pretending that we are unaffected by burying our children - and this is just one more example of how we are affected.

Sarah said...

Don't worry about the 'dark' thoughts... they happen. And right now at least you were just thinking about fictional people. Really... There are so many pregnant stories on tv and in the media right now... it's pretty normal to get overwhelmed and think non-logical things!

Oh and i'll probably still watch ER... i've been obsessed since it started what... 13 years ago or something. Damn thats a long time. So if you want to know what happens, you can ask me tomorrow. :)

Anam Cara said...

Been there as well. I bet you haven't thought or "wished" something bad on most pregnant women (real or on TV) that I haven't. It would be impossible not to have those thoughts I think. Other people wouldn't really understand, but we in "dead baby blogland" most certainly do and don't think any less of you. Big ((hugs))

msfitzita said...

Don't hate yourself. They're weird thoughts, but they're normal ones when you've been through what we have. In fact, I'd venture a guess that we've ALL had those kinds of thoughts every now and then.

There's comfort in knowing that the horrible thing that happened to you didn't JUST happen to you. As awful as it is to know that other people have gone through this hell, there's strange comfort in it too. We're not as alone as we sometimes feel.

It's almost easier to deal with a sad ending than a happy one. It's awful, but it's true.

Anyway, ((((((((HUGS))))))) and stop feeling guilty, okay?