Wednesday, August 09, 2006

There are do-overs in this game, right?

Okay, so here I am again. I think. It's still so freaking early--my feet just hit the floor, as my mom would say--so anything could happen. I've been trying to get my brain around this for several days, being hopeful and detatched at the same time.

I had taken a test last Saturday (fair pie day, actually) and there was a super faint pink line. I waited until Monday, Nate's six month birthday, to take another and it turned positive quickly. Kind of a neat coincidence, I thought. Made the day easier, that's for sure.

So, I'm really battling with how to feel right now. I think that "cautiously excited" would be a good term to use. Things are so different now, I'm not doing the same things that I was last time at approximately six weeks. (Other than sitting here in a cloud of semi-nausea.) At six weeks last time, I had already hit Barnes & Noble to buy a stack of baby books. We went there the other night, and I headed straight to the knitting books. I had no desire to peruse the baby aisle, and I don't know why. I think that it just made me sad--we had spent a lot happy moments reading the back covers of books, Tom having to lug me off of the floor because I had gotten too big to haul my ass off the floor by myself. And the last time we were there, we were two pale, swollen-eyed new parents reading the backs of different books--The Bereaved Parent and On Death and Dying. So anyway, I left Barnes and Noble the other night with Knitting Rules. (She has a good section on socks, and I've constantly been knitting mine wrong side out.)

Things just feel so strange this time. I'm not joining one of those Due Date Clubs this time, that's for sure. I hunted a couple out yesterday, and I just couldn't do it. I started running across too many women that had January/February 2006 babies, and were pregnant again. Or just the first-time preggos, bubbling over with excitement. Or the chick that was bitching that she almost had to have a c-section last time. (That must have been so traumatic for you, sweetie. Gosh.)

I just read what I have written, and it sounds so negative. I don't mean that at all. I'm so thankful, it's everything I want to have a baby to bring home. And while I'm a little freaked out, I also feel a little more peaceful at the same time. This is my analysis of myself: six months of grieving my son has instilled in me such a fear of running across all things baby, that I can't, even though pregnant, bring myself to look at books. Either that or I've read all those books, and I already know all that crap. But I think that my theory still holds water for seeing/talking to pregnant women and people with babies.

People might be wondering if I got pregnant on our trip. We're pretty sure that it happened on the last day of our trip, in London. So in keeping with the theme, Baby Spice might work, but I think I'll call the zygote Chip. That's what I ate for dinner that night. (With fish, of course.)

So, little Chip, hang in there. If we can both make it to the end, everything is going to be okay.


Kathy McC said...

Go, little Chip! Wishing for the very best for you.

kate said...

It's hard to have a positive attitude in a subsequent pregnancy. Ok, for me it was impossible, and irritating that i was expected to be happy and excited. I mean, give me a break. This is not a pretty reality that we live, being grieving mommies.

You might want to join a sub pg board or group, i found this to be very helpful when i was pg with Chloe. There is a good one at Connected Moms, i hear....though i used to be on the one at MISS.

Hang in there, little Chip!

Anam Cara said...

You don't sound negative. You sound thankful, but pragmatic and realistic. But will be here to support you!

delphi said...

One thing that has not left me is my dislike for all things pregnancy and baby not related to me. My own pregnancy and Babe, I can enjoy and even revel in. Anyone else is hard for me to deal with. Don't put pressure on yourself to feel anything in particular - you feel what you feel.

R said...

Heh...I don't understand the women who get all mad they had to have a c-section. Seriously, your baby is alive, and here. So enjoy your baby.

YAY CHIP! I'll be cheering you on!!!!!!!

KTP said...

I just looked through your whole blog. It hit me like a punch in the stomach. I can't quite express how it makes me feel, but I can say that I feel FOR you.

Good luck. I mean it.

lauralu said...

i'm a little behind but wanted to send you a belated WOOHOO!

TBG said...

I found you through KTP and I am looking back through your archives. I am so sorry for your loss. I dont know if you have ever read Karla's site, she is amazing she lost her sweet Ava about a year and a half ago. She is due to have her 2nd baby around Christmas.

Not sure if you wanted to know that but if so there is her fabulous site!

I am really enjoying your posts and congrats on being pregnant that is fabulous!