Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Roller Coaster

This is a post that I had not intended to write today. I had already planned what I would write, a completely different one, but I wanted to wait until after my doctor's appointment on Wednesday.

Sunday morning, I was spotting. It was really faint and brown and was only there when I would wipe after I peed. I checked Google of course, and decided that it was normal. No big deal. But as the morning wore on, I started feeling uneasy. I didn't spot at all in my pregnancy with Nate, and since I was considered high risk with this one, we decided to go to the ER.

At the ER, they tested my beta levels and (hours later) I was given an ultrasound. I was taken down to ultrasound on a gurney and put in a room next to a screaming two-year-old. The ultrasound tech gave me a regular ultrasound and not liking the results from that one, she switched to the dildo cam. She dug around in there for awhile, talking to herself, then she started measuring a large black spot. I squinted at the screen, trying to see what kind of measurements she was taking. Was she measuring one of my ovaries? No, it was of the place where the little embryo was supposed to be. It was empty, and I knew right away--it was a blighted ovum. Oh shit.

So, back in the exam room, waiting for the stupid doctor, I'm laying on the gurney in tears. Finally the doctor returns after my ultrasound had been reviewed and blood tests were ready. He says to me, "What's with the tears? Do you know something that I don't?" and then he gets serious--"I'm very worried about this pregnancy." I put my hands over my face and start to sob. Why in hell did I think that the universe was going to cut us a break this time? The doctor went on to explain that it looked like a blighted ovum (duh) but he couldn't figure out why my beta levels were so high. So, I was told to go in for another beta on Tuesday, another ultrasound in a week, was given a RhoGam shot in my butt and sent home.

We decided that we wouldn't tell anyone about this right away, only family and close friends (and internet friends!) knew about this pregnancy anyway. We'd wait until after what was supposed to be my first OB appointment on Wednesday, where I had an ultrasound already scheduled. When we had a clearer explanation, we'd tell everyone. And I'm kicking myself for opening my mouth so early in the first place. I made it to Monday morning and I had to talk to my mom. She spread the word with a few family members, and I figured that we'd break the bad news to everyone else on Wednesday

The rest of Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were weird. I went back and forth between feeling sad and then pissed off and then peaceful about it. On Tuesday, after I had gone back for my second beta, I struggled with extreme guilt about the death of my son and blaming myself for my abruption. I obsessed with how close I was to having my little boy. My pregnancy was perfect until that last 15 minutes. I was pissed off that I even had to be pregnant again--I should have a six and a half month old and way too busy to even think about being pregnant. I felt almost as dark on Tuesday as I did in those first few days after Nate died, those days where I don't even remember seeing things in color. I remember them in black and white. I knew one thing for sure, though--I wasn't going to get my hopes up. No more disappointments! I knew that there was an weird, empty sac inside of me, and now all I could do was to sit around and wait to miscarry. Lovely.

Wednesday morning came, and I was dreading my appointment. The last thing that I wanted to do was to get another ultrasound and see that little nothing inside of me. The last time I had been inside my OB's ultrasound room was under much happier circumstances. It was when we found out that I was having a b-o-y. How cool. The ultrasound tech asked me why I went to the ER. I told her that it was a possible blighted ovum and went into the bathroom to to get ready for another transvaginal ultrasound. Up on the table, feet in the stirrups, in goes the dildo cam and then...a heartbeat. I saw what I had been looking so desperately for on Sunday. Instead of the empty black hole, I see the little strobe light. Oh God. The tech said, "There it is! That's a viable pregnancy." We were in shock, and couldn't say anything except, "Are you sure?! are you sure?!" Of course we asked what the deal was on Sunday. She just said, "Never get an OB ultrasound in the ER." I was completely stunned. Five minutes ago I wasn't pregnant--I was planning to have a glass or four of wine when I got home and clean out the cat box. Now I was. My brain is still trying to get around this one.

After the ultrasound, it was business as usual. I met my new doctor and I love him. More on that later, probably.

Oh man, I can't believe this.

17 comments:

three minute palaver said...

Oh God Laura, that all sounds so scary and just too much for you to be expected to handle. What an awful and unnecessary experience to have to go through. I'm really sorry that happened. and I'm really glad you're still viable. ((hugs))

Catherine said...

Never, never, never bury the lead like that! Good God woman, you had me scared! I'm soooo glad everything is ok. And at least now you know not to trust the ER for anything. Lesson learned.

delphi said...

I can't even come up with a rational comment.

Sending love your way - That was too scary.

Julie said...

My word, I don't even like roller coasters, but I got on the ride with you out of curiosity. Talk about hide the zinger. I'm thrilled you saw the hearbeat and hope that nothing else puts the scare in you for the duration of this pregnancy. Yay for probes and strobes!

One Mother's Journey said...

Wow. Just wow. I have to say I've only been reading your blog for a few days but I was in tears reading this post. Unreal. I am SO happy for you that you saw the heartbeat.

MB said...

Holy hell that post had me worried...until the end. SOOOOO glad it's all okay. You should be a mystery writer or something!

KTP said...

I don't blame you for being worried every second of this pregnancy, but I hope that you can find some peace. That was a very vivid retelling of your rollercoaster - I was clenched in fear until the end.

Kathy McC said...

Holy Mackerel! I can't believe all you've been though you poor thing. So glad you got to see that lovely heartbeat. (((hugs)))

Rosepetal said...

I only started reading your blog recently (although I have back read all of it!). I am so glad everything is okay.

NervousKitty said...

OH!! I'm sorry you've been on such a roller coaster, but such good news about the heartbeat! May the rest of the pregnancy go smoothly!

Lizzie said...

Yea for Lala and Super Chip! I am so glad everything is OK. I want nothing more than to see you a happy mama holding her baby! I pray everyday that your pregnancy will be an easy and healthy one!!

sillyhummingbird said...

Oh, I am so happy you saw the heartbeat!! And so sorry you had to go through all of that. Glad all is okay.

Emma's Mum said...

My mom called when I was half way through reading.....I needed to speak with her, but I really wanted to finish reading to make sure everything turned out ok. Thank goodness. I am sorry you had such a scary experience. I am hoping things are SMOOTH from now on!

Jill said...

Good grief! I am so relieved! May this be the only hairy moment in this ride:)

BabyDansMommy said...

I just got chills reading your post. I'm sorry happy for you. And sorry you had to go through all of the heartache for those days. Take care and best wishes.

Kim said...

That is wonderful news. I'm glad everything is so far okay.

kate said...

oh whew! I am sooo glad everything is okay!