Friday, September 01, 2006

Title goes here

So, I'm kind of a mess these days. I just can't even bring myself to write anything anymore, even though I've got enough material to post twice a day, no lie. But I don't have the energy to talk about it--any of it. I'm not sleeping at night. After I wake up for my 1:45 am pee, I just lay there, thinking thinking thinking, talking to myself, crying, flopping around like a fish in the bottom of a boat. I eventually fall asleep at about 5:30 after listening to the grandfather clock bong, bong, bong for hours. I can't do this for the next 7 months.

And then there's this concern that I have--I'm not sick. Why? I wish that I would just puke already. I was barfy until exactly 16 weeks with Nate, and I'm not even nauseated with this one. Part of me thinks that the universe is cutting me a break with this one--"Okay people, Laura's pregnant again. Now, we really dropped the ball with her last kid, so let's go easy on her this time. No puking, no acne, and for christssake, no constipation this time. Oh, and let's make sure that she can still eat biscuits and sausage gravy and find it delicious." The only reason that I know I'm pregnant is because occasionally, very occasionally, my boobs feel like they're going to explode. But that's it. So my worry is--where in the hell are the hormones that are supporting this pregnancy if they're not around to make me sick? Maybe they're around, but they are what's keeping me from sleeping at night, crying all day, not wanting to leave the house and completely avoiding my poor husband. Maybe? I never thought that I'd ever be wishing to puke.

I'm just scared. Bringing home a baby is so out of the scope of my imagination. Actually bringing home a live baby and using all the cool baby stuff that I already have, some not even taken out of the packages, is about as unfathomable to me as leaving the hospital without my son was the first time I was pregnant. Ugh, I hate that. I've always been such a ridiculously positive Pollyanna type of person. I guess that this is what fear does to a person. It's ugly. I'm going to work on this, though. There is no way that I'm not going to celebrate this baby. He or she deserves all the hope that I have. I have to be brave--that' s what moms do for their kids.

Anyway, my point was, I'm sorry that I've been such a crappy blogger. I'd say that I was going to take a break for awhile, but who knows, I might have a ton of garbage to get off my chest tomorrow. Or maybe I'll just post pictures of stuff that I bake. Or flowers. Whatever. I'm hoping that here in a couple of months, when I can finally feel Chip moving around in there, I'll start feeling more connected and positive. I'm sure I will. Now that I've written this, I really think that my formerly barfy hormones have changed duties and are turning me into a horrible, weepy, whiney hobgoblin. You think?


Rosepetal said...

I'm so sorry that you lost Nate. I lost my firstborn son at 40wks+4 five weeks ago. I have backread all of your blog. You struck me as a really positive person and have given me some hope. I don't think you're a "horrible, weepy, whiney hobgoblin". I don't know you in real life but I think you sound like a great person to whom life dealt a really shitty hand on February 3rd 2006.

Your line, "Actually bringing home a live baby and using all the cool baby stuff that I already have, some not even taken out of the packages, is about as unfathomable to me as leaving the hospital without my son was the first time I was pregnant" strikes such a cord with how I feel. I had EVERYTHING ready for my son and it really really never crossed my mind that anything so disastrous could ever happen.

I hope that you are able to conquer some of your fear and I'm thinking of you, your husband, Nate and Chip.

kate said...

((((((hugs))))) to you. The sub pg is a wild ride. As you already know.

With respect to the morning sickness, remember that every pregnancy is no m/s does not mean any disaster.

I would say that with Chloe, no it didn't help me too much when i could feel her moving. Though, doing kick counts at least gave me something to do. I was a bundle of anxiety for 38 weeks...and then for about the next year or so...

I found the doppler did help, but it doesn't help everyone. The only thing that helped calm me down at ALL was reading escapist trash.

I found also that i could not talk about my pg, with anybody much -- though i did lurk on the boards i did not participate, and i wasn't blogging then. But had i been blogging i would not have blogged about being pg. So i totally get where you are coming from...just post pictures of what you are cooking or something! Talking about *anything* beats not talking at all...

Thinking of you and the little one!

delphi said...

I so agree with Catherine. In the first year after our son died, I needed to have escapes. I reread sci-fi novels that I loved when I was a pimply 14 year old, I watched 5 seasons of Gilmore Girls in reruns, and spent days staring out the window. Even now, I find that I lose hours to junk on TV, just so that I am not left alone with myself for too long.

Though I am blogging about this subsequent pregnancy, there are very few people that I speak to about it in my real life. It is too hard.

And keep positive. It is really frickin' hard, but do it. If that means baking and posting photos, well I just need new ideas for cravings, anyway. ;)

Hang in there!

vixanne wigg said...

Hi Laura!
I need to add you to my blogroll. I'd forgotten about your blog. I am very excited for you. I understand the fear. I'm sorry. :( You can do it! I'm a big wuss, and if I could do it, you can too.