Thursday, September 21, 2006


There you go again. Thank you so much. I felt like you were all right here in my family room, patting me on the back and saying, "It's going to be okay. Come on, let's go eat cheesecake and french fries."

I go to the doctor tomorrow and I'm excited and dreading it at the same time. Maybe excited isn't the right word. I don't know. I'm dreading it for the obvious reasons. I don't know why OB offices don't have a special waiting room for women who have lost babies. No little kids, no parenting magazines and if there are any pregnant women in there at all, they know exactly how I feel.

I'm just very interested in knowing what my doctor has to say about this miscarriage. I also am very interested in knowing when we can try again. And I am very interested in learning the names of some psychiatrists. I don't know why I've waited this long to do this. Maybe part of it is because Tom and I started relationship counseling almost immediately after we heard that a huge percentage of marriages end after the death of a child. We only go now when we need a "tune up". I think that I didn't want to talk about it with someone all by myself. A lot of times, Tom will talk for me.I just didn't want to think about it that hard. Even most of my posts are all hearts and flowers.

But these are the changes that I've noticed in myself:
  • I don't read books anymore.
  • I don't want to see "smart" movies anymore. I thought yesterday that the new Jackass movie might be funny.
  • I'm not keeping up with politics. I hate the man, I just can't tell you why, okay? He's a doody-head, how's that?
  • I don't listen to Classical music anymore because it makes me sad. Which means:
  • I haven't properly practiced my flute in months. I just don't pick it up anymore, except to play with my students. Now I officially suck.
  • I'm obsessed with keeping a perfect house and I get entirely bent out of shape when dinner turns out crap or Tom doesn't like the way I've put away his boxer shorts. The old me would have just said "fold your own fucking underpants" and served hot dogs cut up in Kraft Mac & Cheese for dinner.
  • I'm a perma-bitch. Julian's Mom called it a "constant cranky bitchy neurosis" and I think, "Ah-ha!!" That is me! I'm afraid of becoming the mean old lady on my block that smells of cat piss and screams at little kids to get out of her yard. Or even worse, the mean 31 year old lady who smells of cat piss and screams at little kids. Either way, it's no good.

I'm sure that there's more--I'm just tired of thinking about it. I'm not doing anything that requires a lot of thought. I can drive to work, feed the dog, shower and shave my legs (shave my legs? Ha!), not burn down the house. If you want to have an intelligent conversation about, well, anything, I'm not your girl. Let's go see Jackass.

Maybe for the past seven months, I've felt that I have to be sad all the time. If I'm not miserable and wallowing, then I'm not missing my son enough. It's not an act--I really am so, so sad. It's like I've just resigned to the fact that I'm the mother of a dead child and that's all I am. I should change my name. "Hi, I'm Mrs. Deadkid. Would you like to see pictures of my dead kid? Do you have a dead kid? No? Then you can't be in my club. Go away." That is no way to live. I'll go tomorrow and see what I can do about this. I just miss Nate so much and I'm so mad at Chip the Zygote for leaving. I'm so angry, I feel like I need to kick the shit out of everything. And I'm sick of this quiet house.


MB said...

Okay... I posted a really nice comment and blogger booted it. Blogger sucks. Bad Blogger...

So, as I was saying...

Jack-ass, doody-head....hahahahahahahah!

How about a kickboxing class? A trip to Vegas? You could bring your flute for a duet with Jim on his guitar and I guarantee that will make you feel better about how well you play.


What time does your flight get in?

Laura said...

Oh Michelle, you're so silly. Actually, yesterday I was thinking about taking a kickboxing class.

Oh wait, I'm mad at you for not moving here ;)

Catherine said...

I haven't been in a good place lately, so I haven't been commenting much. But I want to say this...

~You're not alone. I'm not thinking, "I'm glad I'm not her." I'm thinking, "I AM her." How I wish you and I didn't share this. I'm so sorry.

~I thought I had earned an exemption too. Guess we were both wrong.

~Your loss was so sure to give yourself some time before you put the pressure on yourself to be "better." Book reading is still hard for me...four months out. It will come back to you...give it some time.

~And don't worry about your marriage failing. Somewhere in lauralu's archives is a study that proves exactly the opposite. :o)

~Remember...this isn't a straight line path by any means. You can try to control it and manage it and "fix" it. But chances are you'll exhaust yourself even more...and still be sad.

~My personal feeling is that I'm not going to kill myself trying to be the old me. She doesn't live here anymore. And I'm ok with long as the new me is someone I can stand to be around 24/7.

~"I just wanted to see some pottery." Been there.


vixanne wigg said...

That was a pretty funny post, for all it's misery.

We got through the waiting to try part by doing things we never would have done. We went to the sundance film festival. Park City, Utah is just the place to be in the dead of winter when your baby has just died and you're waiting for your friends to give birth. Woo Hoo!!!! Fun times!!!

But, you could, as MB said...go to Vegas. You could plan one fun thing a week that you have to look forward to. Anything to get you through.

In terms of waiting, unless they want to do tests, I'd guess they will say two periods, but you could probably try after 1. You just need the lining of your uterus to be strong enough to sustain a pregnancy.

MB said...

Well, the offer stands even if you're still mad. What if I promised to come visit the next time I go to KC...peace offering? I could have Jim play a tune for wait...that might make you more mad...

MB said...

How about isolette covers? I'm looking for a pattern... if you want to use it. If you have messenger, the same address will get me.

I do love a good margarita...but

three minute palaver said...

Throughout my first marrigae I suffered multiple losses and miscarriages and struggled with IF. Yes, that marriage failed but we had many other problems and issues other than IF. He was an asshole. and he left me. My 2nd marrigae is amazing. we have endured the loss of our 2nd baby (a stillborn son) and we're struggling to conceive this time around but stillbirth and IF issues will not wreck this marriage becuase it's a better, stronger, healthier realationship. If there aren't other, major problems then I also don't think IF doesn't ruin a marriage alone. Goodluck with the counselling. It's a good thing to invest in.

Sarah said...

Hi Laura,

If you go to Vegas, I'll meet you two there! :)

Reading has been hard for me at times too. I went through a phase last fall where I read a lot, but after I finished a series I stopped. And only started again a couple of weeks ago.

I hope your appointment is helpful... and that finding someone to talk to goes smoothly.

And... you're not the only sort of functioning one... you're not alone... not that that knowledge helps too much... I guess I just hope it can help you not feel guilty for how you're feeling.

kate said...

Let us know how the doctor goes...

Sending ((((((hugs)))))). Kickboxing sounds good, though i personally prefer breaking things. And home renovation, but for some of us that was not exactly the best idea, heh.

I hope you can get a good counselor. Try to find someone who specializes in grief counselling (thanatology)...good luck!