Friday, September 15, 2006

Square One

I'm just overwhelmed by all of your wonderful, comforting comments. Really, thank you so much.

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**This might be kinda graphic. Just warning you.**

Pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant, not pregnant. I'm not a drama whore, honestly.

I spotted early in this pregnancy, which sent me to the emergency room to have the bad ultrasound, which led me to believe that I had a blighted ovum. So naturally, when I started spotting again on Monday afternoon, I chose to ignore it, even though this time I bled through my panties onto my pants. 24 hours later, still ignoring it, but Tom was getting more concerned. I just didn't want to spend another six hours in the emergency room and get another hamfisted ultrasound. I mean, really! After dinner, I started seeing these tiny, little clots and 30 minutes later when I went to check again, I had bled into the toilet. We left for the hospital and by the time we had gotten there, I was bleeding very heavily. We tried to go to L & D this time, but they turned us away because I was less than 20 weeks pregnant. That's the second time that I've been to that front desk, bleeding like crazy and they treated me like shit.

We walked the long way around to the emergency room, right past the NICU. Just in case I wasn't feeling bad enough, that was another kick to the stomach. When we finally arrived at the emergency room, they checked me in pretty quickly and put me in a room, thank goodness. As I was changing into the gown, blood was running down my legs and pooling on the floor. I think that this would be tramatic for anyone, I'm definately not denying that, but this is how I lost Nate. In a spectacular bloody mess. This was just too much, just too fucking much.

The emergency room doctor walked in, saw the blood on the floor and said, "Uh-Oh!" In a voice that was a little too sing-songy for my comfort. I think that he realized that he was being an asshat, especially when he asked what the outcome of my first pregnancy was.


After a pelvic exam and a blood draw, I was taken to ultrasound again. This time the bad news was delivered by the OB on call instead of the asshat ER doc. I think that I scared him off. The result was as expected, no hearbeat and no growth. He recommended a D & C. I told the doctor that because of my past experience with ER ultrasounds, I'd like to wait until the morning to have an OB ultrasound, thank you very much. But as soon as I stood up, I knew that I couldn't go home. There was too much blood and too many clots, and honestly, I was scared to death to pull down my pants and see for myself was was happening. I knew that there was no way that this pregnancy was viable at this point. I was faint and crampy. The pressure in my lower abdomen was horrible--another bad memory of Nate's birth. I had to have a D & C. So I did.

I told my Mom yesterday that I just can't put how I'm feeling into a word. It changes hourly, almost by the minute. Part of me is relieved. I didn't feel good about this pregnancy since conception, almost. I just had this terrible feeling that I would either miscarry or there would be something wrong with this child. I just knew. I had to talk myself into feeling pregnant with this one, and as much I heard that every pregnancy was different, I just couldn't shake the bad feeling that I had about never being sick. I never felt pregnant and yet my belly kept growing.

I feel old. Beat up. Tired. I feel like one of those pioneer women in old pictures, where they are only 30 but look 70. I don't recognize myself anymore and I don't know who I am anymore. I can't keep doing this. My heart hurts. So badly.

According to when I'm positive that I conceived, I was about 11 or 12 weeks pregnant. I was just getting my maternity clothes back out, and on the day that I miscarried I had finally gotten up the nerve to wear the cute, little top that I had bought in Paris. It was pink and said "fruit de passion" across the belly. I didn't feel so cute when I had to wear that shirt home from the hospital. I felt like a failure. Stupid people have babies every day. I mean, my god, Britney had her baby the same day I miscarried. Where is the fucking justice in any of this?! What did I do, anyway? And if there was a point to be made, I got it with the first one, okay?

So now I'm just playing with my new sewing machine--I've graduated from dog bandanas to cloth napkins. Still working on sewing a straight line, that's hard. I'm also making cupcakes today and playing with my new Pampered Chef toys that arrived yesterday. Neeto. Just playing with my new toys and feeling sorry for myself. You know, through all of this I've been imagining that I'm the heroine in a movie or a book. And I'm rooting so hard for this heroine, and I just know that there has got to be a happy ending to this story. There's just got to be.

15 comments:

delphi said...

Of course, I have no words of advice, and I doubt you are looking for them anyway. It is so bloody unfair, in so many ways, that I just can't stop thinking about you.

Know that lots of love is being sent your way right now.

KTP said...

Yes, there's GOT to be a happy ending. Thank you for telling your story.

three minute palaver said...

I agree, this is SO bloody unfair. I'm very, very sorry.

The Princess said...

I'm so, so sorry. I've been there. I sat in the emergency room for 6 hours just for them to confirm what I already knew that morning when I woke up bleeding. I swear they were short on doctors that day and sent up the Chef from the kitchen. I had to explain to him the classic signs of early miscarriage were.

Again, I'm truly sorry for this. It's just so unfair.

Julie said...

I'm so very sorry. I know you're feeling rotten, and I hope for you some peace very soon.

Bronwyn said...

I am so unbelievably sorry, Laura. I wish there were something I could do... you have been through so much. Please take care and know that you have many loving thoughts coming your way. (((Big, big hug)))

Catherine said...

I highly recommend distraction. It's worked for me for months...for the most part.

I'm so sorry. You didn't do anything to deserve this...and there is a ton of love and support coming your direction through the blogosphere. {{{hugs}}}

lauralu said...

i remember that horrible runaround you get when you miscarry about not getting priority care or getting to go to l&d - it's awful. hospitals have a long way to go when it comes to early loss. not that most of them have the late loss thing down, either...

i'm so, so sorry. i'm sending you comfort and wishing you big alcoholic drinks in fishbowls.

Sherry said...

Laura, I'm so, so sorry this has happened. Sending lots of comforting thoughts and hugs your way.

Kathy McC said...

I have nothing smart to say...just sending you (((hugs))) and hope for better things to come very soon.

kate said...

Didn't you have another post up here? I didn't have words when i read it last night, and today it is gone...

I just wanted to tell you that i think the way you are feeling is totally understandable given what you have been through...and that i am thinking of you.

BabyDansMommy said...

Laura, just sending you hugs and support. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Laura said...

I did, you're fast :) It was only up for about 30 minutes. I still have it, so I might put it back up. I was majorly venting and extra weepy because Tom left for Detroit yesterday. If you see him, say hi for me! Ha ha :)

Artblog said...

I've been there, I’m still there, I have a child, so it’s not exactly the same, but regardless of that fact, it still hurts! The pain will subside eventually, but you'll always hurt so don't fight it!

The only piece of advice I can give that’s worth anything, is to let it all out when you feel the need, don't hold it all in, it isn’t healthy. Apart from that, take each day as it comes, it's very normal to feel like shit one day and the next, happy and positive. Up and down, it's all part of the course. I keep busy, very busy, to the point of exhaustion sometimes, but it keeps my mind off the pain.

I've probably not helped at all, we are all different and we get through things in our own way but sincerely, if you need to talk, ask me something related or otherwise, here's my email for you... you're welcome to write anytime! It does help to talk to someone who "understands".

Kind regards

ed160973@yahoo.com

Rosepetal said...

There is no universal justice.

I'm still rooting for the heroine of this show.