Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Visiting Nate

I'm writing from my new/old laptop! This is the laptop that I couldn't touch when my husband first got it. Okay, not really, but I had to touch it very carefully. (Did that sound dirty?) That's a cool thing about having a husband who's works in internet stuff--I get his neeto hand-me-downs.


Yesterday was Memorial Day and we went to see Nate and Tom's dad, buried in the same cemetery, a few spaces apart. I've said before that they're in the Missouri Veterans Cemetery, so yesterday was a madhouse. But it was neat. They had the flags out on each grave, flags on flag poles everywhere. Family had already been to both graves, and we were the last ones there, probably. I hadn't been there since his birthday and God, I hate that so much. I hate that I can only go there every few months. Makes me feel like a shitty mom. I cried the whole way there, I cried there, I cried on the way home. It's like I spend my days with my head in the sand, but thinking of him at least every other minute, working on his garden, talking to him. And I'm okay with this. I'm just not used to seeing his headstone yet. It is the ultimate reminder. He's not missing. He's not coming back. Someday I might bring other children here and this is how they will know him. On a Memorial Day a zillion years from now, I'll be an old lady taking flowers to my baby that I can't even remember anymore. He's not coming back. I can't go there and just be sad and miss him. I'm overwhelmed by this new life, which at this moment seems entirely too long, one that I didn't ask for. It's panicking. And that's why I hate going to the cemetery. But maybe if I went more often, it wouldn't be so hard.


Here's a weird thought that I've been having. I've been pregnant for the last 17 out of 24 months. I like being pregnant (good thing), but I'm having an impossible time imagining what it will be like to actually bring home a baby. I'm only able to think in the moment, but I can't think of the end. It doesn't make me freak out or anything, in fact I'm kind of neutral about it. I mean, I'm not thinking about losing another baby--my head won't let me go there and I'm not pushing it. But it won't let me think about bringing a baby home, either. It's like, "You're pregnant right now, and that's all you need to know." Well, in my head it seems weird. Writing it out, it seems like a self-preservation mechanism. What do you think? For those with sub. babies, was there a point where you could think past being pregnant?
p.s.--thank you so, so much for your advice about the doppler. I am taking it to heart, for sure.


Catherine said...

I am TRYING to see past being pregnant. I'll let ya know how it turns out.

And you're not a bad mom because you don't visit the cemetery. You carry Nate in your heart every single day. You love him and everybody knows that. You're a great mom.

BethGo said...

I keep trying to right a comment but I don't know what to say.
Your writing touches me.
I am thinking of you today my friend.

delphi said...

Seriously, I only started actually believing the whole "bringing him home" thing about a week before I was induced. Actually, what happened was that I panicked that I didn't know how to take care of a baby and read The Mother of All Baby Books the week before BB was born. That didn't actually mean that I felt confident in my ability to give birth to a live baby.

The moment of belief was when I heard his scream.

Kathy McC said...

I never got to "when" I take baby home. It was always "if". Even after the baby shower and the room was all set up. It was always "if". Until he came out. Then it became real. I think it's a defense mechanism...makes it so that there's no element of surprise. I remember how shocked I was when Kam came out and he was cleaned up and put in my arms. I remember thinking, "I can't believe I FINALLY have this child. After all of this hell". And then after they took him away for his first bath, I sat and thought of the babies who I lost to get to him and I cried in my hospital room alone. Tears of sadness and joy all at once. It was weird.

Don't feel bad about frequency of visiting the grave. I have never been to my girls' graves. I just can't bear it. Partly because they are burried along with many other babies. I try to "visit" them in my thoughts. Sometimes that's all you can do.

Sara said...

With my sub pregnancy that resulted in actually bringing a baby home, I had a dream right around 25 weeks along that my baby reached out through my uterus with its little tiny hand and grabbed my finger as if to say, "Please don't worry so much Momma because I'm okay." After that some (but not all) of the fear and panic receded. I wish that I could pass that dream on to all mothers who are going through a sub pregnancy because it is such a wrenching, fearful, anxious place to be. I think that in the end, it just has to be a day-by-day experience. Some days are good and others not so good. I'm hoping for more good days than bad ahead for you during this journey.

vixanne wigg said...

Ooooh...a question I can answer!

I think I saw past the point of being pregnant when I actually heard Baby Wigg cry. But I never really felt "connected" in either pregnancy. It was all very theoretical for me.

Then it all kind of rushed over me and I started crying because he was actually alive and okay and also because the nightmare was over and I felt like I could finally BREATHE again.

The bad part about this is that I think I was really unprepared for actually taking care of a baby. I rode out the first couple of weeks on endorphins and then it was just like CRASHHHHHHHHH.

Very surreal.

Although I kind of think that every new mom goes through this. I don't know.

Mad Mommy said...

the 10-month-old-on-friday product of my 3rd pregnancy STILL doesn't feel exactly real to me. most of the time i feel like i've been babysitting him for a very long time but his parents will pick him up any time now and i'm just lucky to have gotten such a good gig.

hey - i got your request through the babyloss directory - i'm sending you an email now.

MB said...

Looking forward to the after-the-ultrasound post...

Thinking of you.

kate said...

I was not able to see past being pg when i was pg with Chloe. In fact, i was not able to prepare at all for labor & delivery either. I was around 36 weeks when i was like, OMG, i have to go into LABOR...i was actually able to wash the clothes & prepare the stuff, but i still wasn't able to truly conceptualize the whole delivering-a-take-home-baby thing. But i brought her home anyway ;)

this time, a little better, but not that much.

I agree with what Catherine said about the cemetary. And i very much look forward to pictures of Nate's garden!

Diana said...

i never really understood what was happening with the sub pregnancy. i was in shock and didn't snap out until we were home. what is this baby doing here??
not visiting the cemetery is ok because they aren't there. i believe their spirits are in our hearts and their physical bodies in heaven

www.justacloudaway.com is a site i created to offer so many wonderful ways to memorialize our babies through our eyes
take care
mother of angels