Wednesday, May 23, 2007

What's Up.

I have been around, honestly. I read everyday--I've just been having trouble signing in lately, so I haven't been posting or leaving many comments. I also feel like a wrung out sponge, physically and emotionally. It's been hard to think of things to say, even though I think a lot about all of you. Anyway...

I went to the doctor on Friday. This was my first four-week-wait between appointments and it was way too stinkin' long a wait. And my doctor won't let me get a Doppler. Unless I really, really want one. He says that it's like trying to monitor your own blood pressure, but it seems to me like everyone I read about that has one doesn't have a problem finding the heartbeat. I guess that he doesn't want me to freak out needlessly, but I've been freaking out for 17 weeks so what's a little more freakiness? I don't know, I may still work on this one.

So, back to the appointment....
We had an extra long wait this time and Tom had to leave before the doctor came in to talk to me. Fortunately, the nurse came to do the Doppler before he left, so he got to hear the heartbeat which was 165 bpm. (Nate always had a faster heart rate, so I guess there's no telling if it's a girl or a boy at this point. I've been thinking "boy" pretty strongly, but I had very vivid "girl" dreams last night--so we'll see.) It took the nurse longer than normal to find the heartbeat, which of course made me cry and Tom said, "That's why you don't need a Doppler." Whatever. Anyway, blood pressure is still good (which is something I'm going to worry about through this pregnancy) and I've only gained four pounds so far, go me !

Any time I have to go to an appointment alone or Tom has to leave early, I always cry and feel like I'm going to climb the walls. That place completely freaks me out. I was in the middle of pulling myself together and blowing my nose when the doctor walked in and made a huge deal about me having allergies and what I could take. I just went along with it. "Oh yeah, my allergies are terrible." (I don't really want to jump, screaming out of the window. I'm totally calm.)

He measured my fundus height for the first time with the tape measure and I'm measuring two weeks ahead of schedule. He said that's normal for a subsequent pregnancy and that it's a good thing. My only question for him was, "Can I fly at 22 weeks?" because we're going to Florida in June. He told me that it's a fine time to travel and said that it's later in the pregnancy when it's not advised. "Anyway," he said, "if something goes wrong, there's not much that can be done at that stage. And there will always be other pregnancies." His last sentence just hung there--I was so shocked that he, being a high-risk OB, would say something like that. My first thought was, Oh shit I thought you were cool. Yes, there could be other pregnancies, I'm evidence of that, sitting there pregnant after losing two babies. But it's also another funeral. It's another who-knows-how-many months of me hating my body, hating God, hating everyone and forever missing another child. It's not just, "Oh well, I guess I'll just pull up my big girl panties and try again." I should have said something to him. I always say that and I never say anything to anybody.

I feel like I've been so hyper-sensitive lately, like I'm regressing. Everything that is remotely baby related makes me uncomfortable or makes me cry. Things people say that I would normally shrug off, are really upsetting me. For example, at a neighbor's party this weekend the hostess came up to me and said, "Hey Laura! Still pregnant?" To which I replied, "Yeah, I seem to be." I know that I'm being sensitive, maybe it's hormones, but I don't think that you should say something like that when you know that the person has had a loss or losses. I so much don't want to be one of those women that people are afraid to say anything to for fear of setting me off or making me cry. I don't know.

I need to write more. I'm out of practice and my writing is sucky and disjointed, and I'm trying to fit way too much stuff into one post. Oh yeah--my "big" ultrasound is one week from tomorrow! Stay tuned!


Catherine said...

I'm just the opposite. I think I'm not sensitive enough. My mom asked me how my appointment went yesterday and I replied with, "Still alive." I don't think she appreciated that. C'est la vie. Whatever gets you through, right?

Bronwyn said...

So glad that everything is going well so far! However, your doctor could use a refresher course in bedside manner. What a crummy thing to say! I suppose he meant well, in his own backwards way, but still...

Take care and keep us posted on how you're doing. When you have time and you feel like it, of course :)

Sara said...

Glad to hear that all is going well. Those appointments are pure anxiety.

And Wow! I think if I ever were pregnant again and someone I saw occasionally tossed that little gem my way I'd have totally lost it. It never ceases to amaze me how our society glosses over pregnancy and infant loss. I think you handled it well.

delphi said...

I am so glad to hear from you. And that your babe is doing well so far.

As for the terrible comments from your OB and neighbour, well, OH. MY. GOD. I know people say these things in passing, but it is just too horrible. Think, people, THINK!

I hope you find yourself able to post more. It might help with your anxiety a wee bit. No matter, though, I will always be checking in with you.

Looking forward to hearing about your big u/s. Sending good thoughts and positive vibes your way.

vixanne wigg said...

What an asshole. I can't believe that person said that to you.

About the is totally up to you whether you want one or not, but I don't like people feeding you misinformation. At 17 weeks you would have no problem finding the heartbeat. I say that as someone who used my doppler several times a day. (The child appears to be normal but does have incredibly red hair. Connection? You tell me.)

I rented mine over the internet, but I did notice that the place where I rented mine from now requires a doctor's prescription. Have they all started doing this? You can also buy them over ebay, I think.

17 weeks. You can do it. It royally sucks but it will be over eventually and hopefully everything will work out well. Go in the shower and have a good sob if the pressure gets to be too much.

niobe said...

What an awful comment from your OB. Some people just don't know any better, but an OB at a high risk practice should be able to avoid saying something so monumentally stupid and hurtful.

Mad Mommy said...

your OB won't LET you have a doppler??? what are you, 6, and his child??? the doppler decision is not his to make. patriarchal asshole. i hate it when OBs get in that patriarchal asshole mode.

look, if you have the fortitude to get through this thing without a doppler, well, then, goody for you for being such a paragon of humanity. i would be so jealous of your mental health and would prostrate myself in the presence of your epic superiority. for mere mortals like me, though, the third time around was more than i could handle, and the doppler was what got me through it without having to be institutionalized. i occasionally had to chase milo around, but i never, ever couldn't eventually (i.e. within ten minutes or less) pin him down.

BethGo said...

I agree. It sounds like your OB is an asshole. Other pregnancies? WTF?
And seriously, if you want the Doppler, get it. It's none of his beeswax. There re so many doctors out there that need a major ego check. Sounds like yours is one of them.
With that said, I am glad to hear from you. Sending you my best.

Rosepetal said...

Those things were really crappy things to say, from the high risk OB and from your friend. I would NEVER say that to anyone.

AJW5403 said...

Glad you had a good appt. I say get the doppler and just don't tell you doctor. That was the only thing that saved me durring my pregnancy.

Brenda said...

Glad all is going well with bub.

I loved my doppler. Never had a problem with it.


Julie said...

OMG Laura, I don't think you are being sensitive at all when people say STUPID things and it upsets you. I can't believe the things a high risk ob can say!! It amazes me.

I am glad to hear the baby is doing ok though. I had a doppler,(for my pg with Lauren, NOT with Evan) and quite honestly, there was a time when I DESPISED it. I literally hated the site of it laying on my bedside table. There was a time when I couldn't find the hb for DAYS and I was terrified. If we ever have another baby, I will NOT get another doppler. It just wasn't worth the additional terror.