Birthday Eve

I cried myself to sleep last night. I've been on the verge of a panic attack for days now. I knew that it was going to be hard being pregnant on Nate's birthday...especially this pregnant. Goddammit, this makes me so mad. It's not fair that I have to be so scared. Too scared to remove tags and wash little pink things. Too scared to have even prepared any semblance of a nursery. She'll be here in 19 days and all I can do is just sit here and hope I don't explode. It doesn't make it one bit easier that I've done this before. In fact, I think that I'm a little more freaked out this time than I was with Ben. I don't know why. Maybe I was just as freaked but don't remember. That's why I'm doing it again.

I miss him. I hate this.

Little Brother

I walked into Ben's bedroom this afternoon. He'd been too quiet and I wanted to see what he'd gotten into. He had his back to me, standing there and digging through his baskets of weird, random toys that I keep in there. Plastic cups, happy meal toys, junk like that. He was puttering so quietly and looked so small standing there. Alone. For the first time it really struck me how unfair it was that he got cheated out of a big brother and he doesn't even know it yet. To watch him play all by himself makes my heart hurt.