Saturday, December 02, 2006

A Nutjob in a Pear Tree

Okay, I should probably write something.

I go through these sucky blogger phases, where I don't write anything and I can't think of any good and helpful responses to leave for my bloggy friends. I've even been tagged by a fellow blogger, and I haven't done it yet. I have emails to return. I'm terrible! I'm not being lazy--I honestly have tons to say--but I'm not doing so hot right now. In fact, I'm kind of hanging by a thread. I've been trying to keep busy and not think about anything or I'll have a complete meltdown (which I've already done twice since Thanksgiving).

Speaking of Thanksgiving, mine was great! In an effort to circumvent any emotional disasters on my part, I decided to have it at our place! This is a new thing in our family--to have one of the "kids" do the dinner. I thought that everything went really well and we had the Best Turkey Ever. If you haven't tried Alton Brown's Good Eats roast turkey, do next time. It's awesome, awesome, awesome. So, my evil plan was to keep impossibly busy so that I didn't have time to cry. And it worked. But.

Christmas has hit me like a bus. I expected to be really bummed out, but I didn't expect panic attacks. I wish that I could just not be a joiner this year, but I can't. And not because of my family (because they would understand) or because Nate would have wanted me to have a wonderful, magical Christmas (whatever). It's because I have to because of my job. December is the busiest month for musicians, except for maybe June weddings. I could just say "no", but then no one would want to hire me anymore and then there's that extra thousand dollars I'll be making this month. I'm a musical prostitute. Ha ha. Momma wants a new sofa, what can I say?

Some of the same people are calling me for gigs this year. Last time they saw me, I was greatly withchild, lugging my flute bag and dragging my music stand, shuffling along with swollen feet shoved in ugly shoes. No one has asked me anything when they've called, but I haven't played the gig yet and I'm preparing myself for another round of "ooo, how's the baby?" Yeah. Good times.

We haven't really decorated inside. We've gone a little crazy outside--we have the most Christmas lights on the block, and I have to say that I've enjoyed that. That's fun. My husband is the Rembrandt of Christmas lights and he's also really competitive. We've put up lights, gotten in the car to drive around and look at other crazy husband's light schemes and come home and put up more lights. I imagine that our front yard will be a work in progress for the duration of the Christmas season. I'm cool with that. I'm just not in a huge hurry to deck my indoor halls. I just don't really care, you know? If I was decorating the tree, I'd probably just throw a big ol' ball of tangled lights on it and call it done. Since you didn't know me before, I should say that this is not like me. Most things I do these days are not like me. Whatever. I'm not going to apologize for it--it is what it is. My child is not with me and excuse me for not bedazzling my house with baby Jesuses this year. I'm not in the mood, pass the egg nog. No, the one with whiskey in it. Thanks.


Catherine said...

I don't like eggnog, but if you've got some brandy and don't mind a little company, I'll go nutty with you.

Kathy McC said...

How about a few beers? I am always good for that.

Christmas hasn't been the same for me since I lost my girls...even though I have Kam and he was born in December, it's just hard. Still. I wish it wasn't because I always used to just love Christmas, but now it just gets me feeling sad.

(((hugs))) Hope the "busy" factor and the fun outdoor decor is at least helping a bit.

delphi said...

I totally, totally, get where you are coming from.

If you feel like, email me. If not, know I am thinking of you (and will probably email you!).


three minute palaver said...

I completely understand how you feel about Xmas and like you and Kathy mcc, also haven't felt the xmas spirirt since I lost my boy. When I read your posts I always think about how well you are doing. I mean it's only been 9 mths since you lost Nate and 2 mths since you lost Chip. This is all very fresh and recent and raw. If I were you I would probably be boycotting xmas and forgoing a new sofa to avoid all those converstaions with people that last saw you last xmas BUT I think if you can handle doing the work and seeing all those people then more power to you and you are one awesome chick in my book. It might be a cathartic and healing time for you. Wishing you well and thinking of you.

Oh and hoping you will post a photo of your husbands xmas lights. I love that sort of stuff. but it's a tradition that doesn't go on much around my neighbourhood or city. I live in an urban city area. (and we're in begining of a long, hot, drought-ridden Aussie summer, so it's not similar xmas traditions here at all lol)

kate said...

I'm glad to see you posting, though... and i am impressed with your story of your outdoor lights! I demand a picture...and send your hubby my way. Victorian xmas and not an outside light on my house -- i bought them, but my dh didn't bother to put them up, and i was not about to go crawling about on the roof or nary an outside light for me.

Christmas bites. It is not so bad for me now as it was (this is the 4th Christmas without Nicolas), but it still bites.

whatthef*ck said...

oh darlin' it is just BRUTAL what you are going through; the trip down horrifying memory lane. i didn't lose charlotte until 3 days after xmas but christmas was retroactively ruined. the whole deal just reminds me of the disaster that was about to come. being pregnant again helps but also renders me vulnerable to another BFN (big f*cking nightmare).

I feel for you so deeply. I wish there was something i could say to help you feel better. better times have got to be on the way for you. how could they not be?

msfitzita said...

Oh Laura - Christmas was impossibly hard last year. As you said, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I tried doing everything new - nothing the same as the year before when I was pregnant with Thomas - and I dragged myself through the holidays in a haze of sorrow. I had to pretend more than I ever believed possible and I didn't breathe a sigh of relief until it was over.

If it helps at all, this is totally normal, these awful feelings your having right now. The firsts are more painful than I ever imagined and it feels like it takes the strength of hercules to make it through sometimes.

I wish there was more I could do or say, but from experience I know that time has made it easier for me to deal with holidays - and has allowed me to find moments of joy in them again too.

I know it'll be the same for you again one day. Just be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to do to find some peace - and know that I'm thinking of you.