Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Nine Weeks and Counting

Oh man, thank you so much for your input re: my crappy gall bladder. Two weeks attack-free! (Knock on wood.) If it's just going to happen every two or three weeks, I think I'll be able to make it without surgery. That last one was so bad, I thought it was going to happen after every meal. Anyway...

Something that I really didn't go into in my last post was how much that trip to L&D threw the entire family for a huge loop. I'm almost embarassed now--quit being so dramatic, it was just your stupid gall bladder. Okay, yeah, it turned out that way. But I think what was so amazing to me was how quickly we all went into panic mode. Just when the memories of what happened the night that Nate was born started to become less sharp around the edges, it came rushing back so quickly. I said good bye for the third time to one of my babies and that's just not easy to shake off, even after you know that everything is going to be okay. My mom and sister rushed to the hospital, my sister had a panic attack. For the next week, Tom and I were both so jumpy and every time I got up to pee in the night he'd ask, "What's wrong?" I'm not sure if he actually really slept that week. We bought a doppler that week, too. Now he follows me around the house with it. My God. You know, I'm so thankful that right now, this second, everything is okay. But I hate so much that I'm not clueless anymore. I know way, way, way too much.

But what I have to keep reminding myself is this: people have babies all the time. And most babies live. That's my mantra right now...most babies live. If they didn't, there wouldn't be whole sections at the store devoted to baby gear. There wouldn't be commercials for lotions and diapers and bottles. You couldn't buy strollers or cribs anywhere. They probably wouldn't exist if most babies died. What blows my mind lately is how people is how people go on and on about my belly and my due date and oh how exciting and excited you must be! They have no doubt that this baby is going to make it home. I just wish that I was as confident as they were. I know way, way, way too much.

I'm operating on about 50% of my brain right now. Half of me is so excited, the other half is being so cautious. Today, half of me bought a jogger stroller and a baby bjorn. The other half of me cannot even fathom putting a baby in either one of these contraptions. I was driving today and became overwhelmed with the memory of being wheeled out of the hospital a year and a half ago with a memory box on my lap. Sometimes those memories absolutely come out of nowhere. I thought about the possiblity of a live baby in my lap this time. Oh please, let this happen.

Before Nate was born, we kept his name a secret. After this scare, we decided to tell people this time. If something goes wrong, I want people to know his name. I want them to know him as much as they can before he's born. I love his name and being able to say it out loud makes him seem so much more real. It's also helping me not to keep calling him Nate. I'm sure that moms do that all the time with their kids, but when one of them is no longer living, it's a little upsetting. I'm going to keep his name as a surprise for my bloggy friends, though :) I've been calling him Piglet here, so I'll keep doing that. He got that name because this is the Chinese Year of the Pig. But it's extra special because this year is the Year of the Golden Pig. They say that Golden Pig babies are extra lucky. That sounds good to me.

10 comments:

Catherine said...

"I'm going to keep his name as a surprise for my bloggy friends, though :)"

Now that is just downright WRONG! lol! I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours. (wink, wink)

I'm glad you're feeling ok. That gall bladder stuff sucks. Oh...my advice...stay away from Pizza Hut pizzones...BAD news. :o(

Hang in there mama. Won't be long now! And thanks for the mantra. Most babies live. I think I'm going to borrow that if you don't mind.

BethGo said...

I agree. I think you should tell us.

Golly I have an old Baby bjorn that is just sitting around waiting for someone to use it. I know that's not the point but really, you would have been welcome to it. ;)

As far as everything else, I don't know what to say. I was scared shitless too after my miscarriage in 2002.

I wish that there were certainties.
It's the waiting that sucks.

Ok. I'm just going to agree with Catherine and say, HANG IN THERE.
As always I am thinking of you.

delphi said...

Yay nine more weeks!

I think the image of Tom following you around with a Doppler is a little hilarious. I have this image in my mind of Wimpy from the Popeye cartoon following a duck around with a meat grinder.... I rather imagine that the constant shadow would be rather irritating at times, though...

Good mantra. Go Piglet!

Jill said...

No sneaky deals with Catherine!

I just wanted to say that even the snippets of memories you just wroite about are enough to completely disable IMO. So to panic with the gall bladder attack - you'd have been weird if you didn't.

Back when babies didn't die in my world, I had a frightening gall bladder attack at 38 weeks. Not so much frightening because I knew we could just whip her out at that stage but very.bloody.painful. Thought I was in labor.

Anyway, hang in there. Like you say, most babies live and if positive thoughts count for anything, you've got that base covered:)

Kim said...

Well I can't wait to hear Piglet's name whenevr you decide to tell us, and I can't wait to see pictures of his sweet face.

kate said...

nine more weeks, you are very close!

Yes, most babies do live...hang in there!

Lora said...

Gallbladder attacks are extremely painful ! If I was pregnant during my attacks I would have run to the L & D too ! I was convinced it was far worse than labour pain ( I had 42 hard hours of labour and than was wheeled in for a c-section)

Hang in there and try and pin point what triggers your attacks ! Mine was any kind of meat ie:Beef, steak, chicken, Pork.... Doctor figured it was the protein from the meat which would cause the gallbladder to contract !

I also waited to get my gallbladder out and I waited about 16 weeks :( I found some staples that really helped me (sports drinks) ie: Gatorade.. Soup like vegetable, nothing with meat or in a cream broth ! Toast , crackers, pasta minus the meat in the sauce :) Give it a shot ... Hope this helps !

niobe said...

I kinda like the name Golden Piglet. Maybe GP for short. But I guess it wouldn't go over too well in elementary school. Looking forward to learning his real name. Whenever you're ready, that is.

Monica said...

I'm with you on the dual nature of self. Half of me buys things then the other half is paralyzed to cut the tags..or thinks I've just jinxed this entire pregnancy. I must say though, the optimistic half is coming out more and that is great. Unfortunately I'm in the week of the one year anniversary, and that sucks. I like golden piglet too! A friend told me that year of the pig folks are prosperous. I didn't know it was the Golden Pig!!

Mad Mommy said...

It sucks to know so much, but it sounds to me like you're in as healthy a place about what you know as you can be.

For what it's worth, just yesterday I told my husband that I was worried about how few words Hans was using. After realizing I meant Milo, and not Hans, we had a good, morbid laugh over it. I suppose Hans will never catch up with his peers, language-wise.