Thursday, August 30, 2007

Ugly

We have some new people moving in on our street. I actually know them already...they are friends of a neighbor who is a friend of mine. They always come to my neighbor's get togethers and and that is the only capacity in which we know them. Now they are sub-letting the house next to my neighbor-friend because the owner is going to China for awhile evidently.

And this my problem that I can't talk to anybody about--the girl is pregnant and due in December, I think. And it's her first pregnancy. And I can't stand her. Never mind that she's one of those loud-talkers that think talking louder and louder in a discussion makes her sound like she knows what she's talking about in the first place. I can deal with that. Just something for me and my husband to make fun of on our way home. But now she's pregnant. I can't make fun of that.

This is one of the hurdles that I'm still having a lot of trouble with even 18 months later. When Nate died, I thought that I would never get rid of the rage and jealousy that I felt everywhere I looked. I thought that it would just rot me from the inside out. I would even get upset looking at cows with their calves while driving in the country. It's not that I've been really making an effort to purge these feelings, they're just fading away. I've gone from glaring at moms with new babies, to just not looking at them, to now being able to actually look inside the stroller and smile a little.

I'm still having trouble with people in their first pregnancy. A lot of trouble. That anger hasn't faded in the slightest and I hate it. I guess that I feel so cheated--my first pregnancy ended in a horror story. I don't ever get to have any do-overs and my first baby is not coming back. I'm jealous of the fact that they can coast through with no worries and I'm up at 4 am because my brain won't shut up. I'm jealous that they can register for gifts and put together the nursery months ahead of time. I can deal with painting the nursery, but I'm not ready to put the furniture back up. I still haven't gone through Nate's things to see if I need to register for anything. It's almost like I'm afraid that all the grief we felt packing up his things will come gushing out of those plastic tubs.

And yet, with most people I have to act like this is my first pregnancy. I've found myself more often saying, "Yes, it's my first" to strangers and unable to swap pregnancy stories with people who know what happened. We might be talking about something completely benign and maybe even funny, but they always look at me sadly, because they know what happened in the end. And then there's the fact that I have no clue what to do with a baby. I should be a pro by now and that kills me. So yeah, it's like my first pregnancy except it's not. I don't have the confidence and comfort that everything is going to be fine and bad things happen to other people that come with a first pregnancy. I'm in a pregnancy that small triumphs are saying "when" and not "if" and realizing how hard it is to say. "When he comes home." It seems like an easy off-hand thing to say, but it will be redemption for me after nearly two years that I thought I wouldn't live through. Hang in there, Piglet. Just six weeks to go.

16 comments:

kate said...

(((((((hugs))))))) and hang in there, mama! For me, the feelings about pg women & babies faded after Chloe was born safely, but they still come up sometimes. Always the lah-de-dah fluffy pg talk is a trigger...but you get a handle on it after awhile. It takes time, though.

Bronwyn said...

I can imagine the roller coaster of emotions you must be on right now. It's been over 3 years for since we lost Lydia and I still avoid peeking in strollers (not that it was ever a big habit of mine, I must confess). (((Big hug))) I hope the next 6 weeks pass as quickly as possible for you!

Katherine said...

Oh Honey,

I don't know you, but how I understand your pain.

I think we have the same neighbor. I miscarried my first pregnancy in July, and can think about nothing besides getting pregnant right now. I just stumbled upon your blog.

My neighbor is 8 weeks ahead of where I should have been. She's an annoying loud-talker with a hot, hot husband, and looks healthy and fabulous, that bitch. Everytime I look out my window, hear her dogs bark, or hear her car, I am reminded of my miscarriage and what an easy time that bitch next door is having. AND I WANT TO SCREAM!!!

MB said...

Hang in there, Piglet...AND momma!

delphi said...

I still have first-baby envy. And it is ugly. I try not to think about it, but the evil monster lives in the pit of my stomach and I don't know how to send it packing. I hope Catherine is right and time is the cure. I do admit my general pregnancy hatred has faded, especially since BB's arrival. But the first ones... hurt.

Monica said...

I'm in the same place. It seems I can only be happy with pregnant women if they have had a loss of some sort. I have a hard time with first time pregnant mothers because of exactly what you write. I'm jealous that they will get a baby and more so that they will have that bliss. And they will probably have it in all other pregnancies. And women who are pregnant for their second, third, fourth, etc., I just want to scream at them. What makes them so lucky? I've got less than five weeks to go and I'm finally switching to "when" and not "if". But then sometimes in the back of my mind I wonder if that is too bold. And if I'll be punished for it.

Carole said...

There are so many times I've caught myself in conversation (with people that don't know me) right before I say something about being pregnant last summer. Sometimes it's just too painful to explain.

I'm thinking of you...and hoping the next 6 weeks go by as quickly and peacefully as possible.
~Carole

Rosepetal said...

Envy of the innocence of others. That they can still skip through life naively without having to contemplate the things you have been through.

Brenda said...

Huge hugs to you.
I hope the next 6 weeks fly so you can relax, well just a little. Im sure it never stops!

Hugs
xxx

Sarah said...

You are not alone... I haven't been able to see some of my friends at all after they had their first babies last year. I keep hoping that time will help, but it's been awhile and I'm not feeling much better... So then my next excuse is that a year of TTC and a subsequent pg added stress to the situation and that maybe after a successful pregnancy/delivery I'll start feeling better....

sigh... down to 5.5 weeks...

Megan said...

I think you're totally normal, but you're right that these feelings are tough to talk about. My mom looks horrified when I spew vitriol.
But according to Empty Cradle, Broken Heart (the most sensible of the dead baby oeuvre, I think) that it's healthier to focus your anger on other people, whether its pregnant women, your midwife, whoever, than to turn it inwards.
But it still sucks, I know.
I just had a miscarriage nearly six-months after my first baby was stillborn. Guess what? SIL is pregnant and due five days before my latest dead baby was due. Fun times...

Kim said...

Hope all is well with you and Piglet. You don't have much longer now, although I am sure these last 3-4 weeks will be the longest!

Rosepetal said...

Laura, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you in this last run-up. Hang in there.

KTP said...

Yeah, I hope you're okay. I'm thinking about you.

Mad Mommy said...

I still, even now, want to club the innocence out of first-time conceivers. I don't want them to have anxiety-free pregnancies. It's not fair dammit.

I suppose I better do some work on those feelings before I become a licensed therapist, eh? But not yet. I enjoy them for now.

Julian's Mom said...

I'm still jealous, too. It's not fair. I am thinking of you and awaiting good news.