I cried myself to sleep last night. I've been on the verge of a panic attack for days now. I knew that it was going to be hard being pregnant on Nate's birthday...especially this pregnant. Goddammit, this makes me so mad. It's not fair that I have to be so scared. Too scared to remove tags and wash little pink things. Too scared to have even prepared any semblance of a nursery. She'll be here in 19 days and all I can do is just sit here and hope I don't explode. It doesn't make it one bit easier that I've done this before. In fact, I think that I'm a little more freaked out this time than I was with Ben. I don't know why. Maybe I was just as freaked but don't remember. That's why I'm doing it again.
I miss him. I hate this.
I lost my baby son, Nathaniel, on February 3rd, 2006, four days after his birth. I'm a mommy in mourning and this is my pensieve.
About Me
- Laura
- I'm a 33 year old professional flutist married to an accountant and living in southern Missouri. I lost my son, Nate, to a placental abruption at 40 weeks. Hope was found and lost again with a miscarriage in September 2006. On October 18th, 2007, Nate's little brother,Ben, arrived safely. I'm learning to be a mom to two boys--one here and one there.
Love you, Natey.
My Daily Reads
- Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Blog Directory
- A Pregnancy After a Stillbirth ~ Monica
- Certainly Not Cool Enough to Blog~Kristin
- Dead Baby Jokes ~ Niobe
- Discovering Me~Michelle
- Eight Million Pieces~Delphi
- Everything is Under Control~Catherine
- Healing Arts~Artblog
- It's Really Me~BethGo
- Life After...~Nervous Kitty
- Life Can Be a Shit ~ Brenda
- Little Birdie
- The Mad Mommy
- Missing Speed Jr.~Emma's Mum
- Moksha~Rosepetal
- Natalie & Julian~Alysse
- Nicolas' Garden~Kate
- No Matter How Small~Aurelia Cotta
- No, I will never be "over" it~Julie
- Rach: The Wandering Blog
- Ryan Was Here~Sherry
- Spiraling Into Control~Bronwyn
- Subtle Shade of Green ~ Kathy McC
- Surviving My Loss~Sarah
- The Sensual Life ~ Roxanne
- Three Minute Palaver~Clare
- Trying to Have a Baby That Lives~WTF
5 comments:
(((Hugs))) Laura.
For those of us where it all went wrong at the very end, these last days are the hardest.
Never mind the nursery. Beanie's wasn't ready at all and it didn't matter one jot. All you need to do is "just sit there", you don't need to do anything else.
Just keep breathing. {{{hugs}}}
Only 18 more days until your little wee girls arrives, I will be thinking of you and hoping everything is calm and peaceful. and wishing you a wonderful Feb 18th.
(((hugs)))
Deep breaths. That's all you can do. I don't know why, but I was a wreck this year, too. Then, after the birthday, the anxiety melted away. I know the end of the pregnancy is the worst. Just hand in there.
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