and more maternity clothes B.S.

Okay, one more post on this, and then I'll drop it. This is just so yucky, I can't get past it.

I got another message from the maternity clothes nazi. She wanted to know if I've found them yet and that she would also like her Pregnancy Week by Week back. And that she doesn't have the money to go and buy all new stuff. Oh, I'm very sorry. When she said that she needed them this winter, I didn't know that she was in such a hurry. I thought that I could at least have a week or two of wiggle room. Some people have told me not to send them at all and another said I should shit on them and put them in a garbage bag. (Okay, actually I thought that was pretty funny.)

I feel like since I told her that I would return them to her, I need to. But I really think that she should know that this isn't cool. My husband and I have decided that he would just drop them off on her porch (thus saving both postage and my feelings), but I wonder if I should just leave it at that. I am so mad and hurt. I haven't talked to her since right after Nate died, so I don't consider her a friend anymore, but still. I wrote this letter, but haven't sent it:

I was all sunshiny in my first response, but I really need for you to understand how difficult it is for me to even open a box of maternity clothes, much less sort through them. I fully intended to get those things back to you. I planned on doing it as soon as I was comfortably pregnant and emotionally able to go through baby stuff. However, in addition to mourning my son, I just had a really bad miscarriage. Yes, I know that you had no way of knowing that. I'm just not in the best place emotionally to deal with maternity clothes and other people's pregnancy announcements.
So, yes I will return those things to you. But just understand why I'm not in a hurry to do it. To be pushy about it is just cruel.

That may be totally writing a check that my ass can't cash. (She can be mean, and I am notoriously a huge weenie.) It think that it helped just writing that down. I'll probably just say--You'll have them this week. (piss off) Okay, maybe not that last thing. What would you say? Feel free to add to my letter.

On the 31st

Nine Months Old.

What a big boy you'd be today.

Your cousin has taken his first steps.

He's one month older than you, but

I bet you'd be right there with him,

my genius child.

You'd just be fitting into the little

St. Louis Rams uniform. Daddy

and I hate football, but you'd still

look awfully cute in that outfit.

I miss you so much.

I still can't believe that we had such a

beautiful boy. And then you were gone.

I wonder what we would have dressed

up as today? It's so hard knowing that

I'll miss out on your...everything.

I love you sweet boy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two years ago today I got engaged. I had a huge Halloween flute recital with another studio and I was the director of the flute choir. We all dressed up in costumes--I was Hermione and Tom, my stage hand, was a farmer. He wouldn't dress up as Harry Potter despite my pleadings.

The concert was a huge success, and as I was thanking the audience, Tom came on stage. I gave him a puzzled look--I didn't need him to move any more stands, the show was over--but he got down on one knee and proposed to me in front of a big audience and 40-50 flute players, most of them teenage girls. I love him so much for doing that. I was just the perfect engagement. (I said yes, obviously.)

Show & Tell

Stuff that I've been making to keep my mind off of being knocked up:

I just finished the purse yesterday. It's for my mother-in-law's X-Mas gift. I'm really getting hooked on making purses--it's my new thang. And then I had to show you my sushi pillow. I think that everyone needs one of those.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for your support RE: crappy friend/maternity clothes. I really thought that maybe I was just being overly sensitive. The more I think about it, if I had a friend whose baby had died and I had loaned her my mat. clothes, I really don't think that I would even ask for them back. I've still yet to look for them. She's probably only like five minutes pregnant anyway. Whatever.

Oh, and the costumes: I was a major poop-in-the-pants and didn't go to the party. Kaitlyn and I stayed home and ate Chinese and watched kid-friendly You Tube. I didn't even pick anything to be for Halloween, which is totally weird because I usually pick out my costume way in advance. I had fun just making costumes this year. But the good news is--Tom won first prize in the costume contest!

Halloween Costumes!

Yikes!!! There's a stealthy ninja in my house!

Tom in attack mode. Please note the aluminum foil throwing star.

Kaitlyn as the Rock N' Roll Witch. I'm so excited that I actually sewed something to wear!



Fall on our street.

 

My Saturday.

I read my email first thing this morning and in my mailbox was a note from someone who I used to be friends with. She's always been such a huge bummer to be around and honestly after everything that happened, I didn't want to constantly be having a "my life sucks" measuring contest. I've got her beat by a mile anyway.

So, I open up my mailbox and I see her note with "maternity clothes" in the heading. Evidently, she would like to have her maternity clothes that she had loaned me returned as it seems she will be needing them this winter. Well good for her. Way to breed. So now I get to go dig through my tubs of maternity clothes and I would much rather dig through tubs of say, someone else's dirty underpants or something equally horrible. OOOOHH I'M SO MAD AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!! She ruined my whole Saturday. What a snotty way to tell me that she's pregnant. "Oh by the way, I'll be needing my maternity clothes back. La dee da." I'm going to mail them to her. I don't want to see her.

Today, other than feeling sorry for myself and being a complete bitch to my husband and stepdaughter, I sewed some stuff. I actually sewed my first "mom" thing--a Halloween costume for Kaityln. She wanted to be Gwen Stefani, but I talked her into being a "Rock 'n Roll Witch". Yes, I made it up! She's nine! I can still talk her into stuff. I think that it turned out rather badass if I do say so myself. I also fashioned a ninja costume for my big studly husband out of his college graduation robe and a black t-shirt on his head for his cool ninja face mask thing. He was very excited. He and Kaitlyn sat on the floor cutting out cardboard "throwing stars" and covering them with aluminum foil. It was very cute. The costume is for a Halloween party--he's not like wearing it around the house or anything. But I won't be surprised if he does. I will post some pictures of Tom and Kaitlyn in said costumes soon.

In other news....we're applying to be on Trading Spaces with our neighbors! Further updates as events warrant.

That's all. Man, I am so aggravated. Why do I let stuff like this upset me?

Oh Jesus.

Just now, I was sitting at my computer, reading blogs and minding my own business when the sound of an airplane drew my attention out the window directly in front of me. Flying behind the small airplane was a huge banner and on that banner was what I assume was an aborted fetus and the words "This is Roe vs. Wade." I feel sick.

CD 1

Like I mentioned in my last post, I've been peeing on a lot of sticks lately. Lots of sticks. Like seven in a three day span lot of sticks. My boobs were hurting--actually they were killing me, they hurt so badly. My boobs don't lie (insert Shakira song here). They only hurt when I'm pregnant. I just couldn't figure out why all of these HPT's were turning out negative and since I hadn't had a period since July, there was really no way that I could tell if I was testing too early. But my boobs hurt, so who cares, I was probably pregnant.

My period started on Sunday and it scared the hell out of me. That miscarriage shook me up so much, that the sight of any blood--even from my period--made my heart stop. I'm scared of my own uterus, apparently. So my period started, and I cried and sobbed for a couple of hours. I also had that horrible panic that I wasn't pregnant and that I had to be pregnant and I must be pregnant RIGHT NOW! And then, of course, I diagnosed myself as being completely nuts because I was having symptoms of a non-existent pregnancy. Good times.

But here's Logical Laura:
1.) My boobs probably really did hurt. They've never hurt when I wasn't pregnant, but I've also never had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Who knows what my hormones were doing. They probably hurt after Nate was born, too, but I was more concerned with stopping my milk supply. (By the way, what a cruel thing that is, huh?)

2.) Yeah, my doctor told us that we could start right away, but honestly, the idea of getting pregnant before at least one period creeped me out a little. At least now we can have a timeframe for things.

3.) Here's someting interesting that I just thought of: My first period came 4 weeks and 3 days after Nate was born. This period came 4 weeks and 3 days after the D & C. Weird.

I've been thinking a lot about things. I had this empty, cold feeling inside that wasn't there before. As I've grieved for my son, there was still a little something in me. I picture it in my head as a candle--a little hope candle. After the miscarriage, the candle went out. That's a very scary feeling. Being hopeless.

I prayed so hard for a pregnancy. When we were in Europe, I obsessively hunted down any church and cathedral that I could find, shoved my Euros in the little tin boxes and lit candles. One for Nate, one for his brother or sister. At St. Peter's in Rome, I went into the heavily guilded and incensed room that was especially for prayer and offered up the best plea I could think of. I mean, this was St. Peter's, it was like the Big Red Phone to God. This one had to count. Hm. Maybe He's saving it for later. I hope so.

So, we're going to trudge forward. I'm more terrified than ever. This reproduction thing is turning out to be a little more difficult than I expected. But I can feel my little candle returning.

Another Tiny Angel

I want to send an enormous amount of love to Emma's Mum. I'm so sad to hear this news--it's just not fair. And that is a huge understatement. If you could, please drop by to give her some support.

In the News

Okay, I think that I'm ready to come out from under my rock. Time has helped and I have a lot to talk about. Especially today--this has been kind of big news in my town for the last couple of days and here's the story from today's paper. ( I had a link but changed my mind. And then I took out eveyone's last names for fear of being linked back to. I don't know if that helps or not. Anyway.)


Mother gets 5 years for drug use
Stacey S. admits to using meth, pot while she was pregnant.
Marcus K. The Associated Press

In the third such case in four years in Webster County, a Marshfield woman has been sentenced to five years in prison for using methamphetamine and marijuana during pregnancy.
Webster County Assistant Prosecutor John A said his office pushed for prison time rather than probation to send a message that it is unacceptable for addicts to force their habit on an unborn child.
Stacey S, 26, pleaded guilty to endangering the welfare of a child and was sentenced Thursday.
She gave birth in February in a car on the shoulder of Interstate 44 while being driven to a Springfield hospital by a girlfriend.
When she finally made it to the hospital, blood tests detected methamphetamine in the bodies of both the mother and the baby girl, investigators said in a probable-cause statement.
The child was immediately taken into state custody and now lives in a foster home, A said.
S. told investigators she was already addicted to methamphetamine when she discovered she was pregnant.
She said she tried to quit by switching to marijuana but was still using methamphetamine once a month.
She said she went into labor at a friend's house in Marshfield after smoking methamphetamine there.
She said she smoked marijuana to ease the pain of labor.
The sentence was two years short of the maximum of seven years that could have been imposed, A. said Friday.
He said similar sentences had been imposed in the two previous convictions of mothers who used meth during pregnancy.
"It's an egregious offense. When you make a decision as a drug user to subject yourself to all the negative impact of methamphetamine, you're doing it as an adult. But when you start making it for an unborn child and afflicting that child with methamphetamine addiction, that's a whole other level," A. said.


She actually gave birth on Februrary 3rd. Let's see, what was I doing on Februrary 3rd? Oh yeah, my husband and I were waiting on the results from the tests that would definitively tell us that our son was completely brain dead. Also on our agenda that day was to authorize the termination of Nate's life support and then we held him as he wheezed like a little squeaky toy and then finally died in our arms. The news of this roadside birth was all that I heard in the week following Nate's death. That and shots of Britney speeding down the road with her son on her lap behind the steering wheel. I think that's when I started to get a little pissy.

I hate this woman and I hope she rots in hell. I eat too many filet o' fish sandwiches and my baby dies. She takes metham-fucking-phetamines and her baby lives. But most of all, I hate her for what she did to her baby. That child will suffer for this for the rest of her life. I'm sure that she did irreversible damage to her daughter. It's horrible. And you know, the worst thing is that she probably will do it again. And she's probably done it before. She has other kids--it's just so sad. My heart is just broken for that little girl and her other children.

Well that was my big fat rant for the day. Ahhh, I feel better. I'm going to get caught up with everyone--I knew that I needed to come back when I started waking up in the middle of the night and talking to myself again. In other news, I am very bummed that T & T got kicked off of the Amazing Race last night. I was really hoping that the Barbies would go. I also can't stop peeing on sticks no matter how many times they turn out negative. Must. Stop.