Thursday, October 19, 2006

CD 1

Like I mentioned in my last post, I've been peeing on a lot of sticks lately. Lots of sticks. Like seven in a three day span lot of sticks. My boobs were hurting--actually they were killing me, they hurt so badly. My boobs don't lie (insert Shakira song here). They only hurt when I'm pregnant. I just couldn't figure out why all of these HPT's were turning out negative and since I hadn't had a period since July, there was really no way that I could tell if I was testing too early. But my boobs hurt, so who cares, I was probably pregnant.

My period started on Sunday and it scared the hell out of me. That miscarriage shook me up so much, that the sight of any blood--even from my period--made my heart stop. I'm scared of my own uterus, apparently. So my period started, and I cried and sobbed for a couple of hours. I also had that horrible panic that I wasn't pregnant and that I had to be pregnant and I must be pregnant RIGHT NOW! And then, of course, I diagnosed myself as being completely nuts because I was having symptoms of a non-existent pregnancy. Good times.

But here's Logical Laura:
1.) My boobs probably really did hurt. They've never hurt when I wasn't pregnant, but I've also never had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Who knows what my hormones were doing. They probably hurt after Nate was born, too, but I was more concerned with stopping my milk supply. (By the way, what a cruel thing that is, huh?)

2.) Yeah, my doctor told us that we could start right away, but honestly, the idea of getting pregnant before at least one period creeped me out a little. At least now we can have a timeframe for things.

3.) Here's someting interesting that I just thought of: My first period came 4 weeks and 3 days after Nate was born. This period came 4 weeks and 3 days after the D & C. Weird.

I've been thinking a lot about things. I had this empty, cold feeling inside that wasn't there before. As I've grieved for my son, there was still a little something in me. I picture it in my head as a candle--a little hope candle. After the miscarriage, the candle went out. That's a very scary feeling. Being hopeless.

I prayed so hard for a pregnancy. When we were in Europe, I obsessively hunted down any church and cathedral that I could find, shoved my Euros in the little tin boxes and lit candles. One for Nate, one for his brother or sister. At St. Peter's in Rome, I went into the heavily guilded and incensed room that was especially for prayer and offered up the best plea I could think of. I mean, this was St. Peter's, it was like the Big Red Phone to God. This one had to count. Hm. Maybe He's saving it for later. I hope so.

So, we're going to trudge forward. I'm more terrified than ever. This reproduction thing is turning out to be a little more difficult than I expected. But I can feel my little candle returning.

5 comments:

Rosepetal said...

Hooray for the little hope flame.
I paid my Euros and lit a candle for my son in a cathedral we visited in Sicily and I'm not a Christian.

I can't imagine the additional scariness of all that blood - both times around. I'm mentally hugging you last Sunday.

I haven't had the panic of needing to be pregnant RIGHT NOW but I am already pre-anticipating it. Since I got pregnant on almost the first try last time, that has unfortunately become my benchmark and I already know that if it doesn't happen like that next time (which I KNOW is fairly likely and not unusual) I'm going to go nuts.

The milk thing is very cruel! I've read about that on several other blogs - over here I was given two tablets of a drug called Dostinex and no milk ever came in. I'm sorry if this is a question that is too painful (if so, please ignore), but what is the reason you can't get that in the US?

delphi said...

Laura,
Before my period came after C. was born, I was convinced that I had accidentally gotten pregnant (ironic in sight of the 12 months it actually took of "trying" to get pregnant again). It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. Then, when my period came, I bawled and bawled. Frankly, I don't think that we are emotionally equipped as humans to ride out this trip of love/loss, hope/fear, excitement/terror without a little bit of crazy mixed in.

Much, much love to you, Laura.


Aside:
I know it is a little weird to answer someone else's question on someone else's blog...

Rosepetal - My doctor didn't want to give me anything to stop the milk coming in. Her experience in the past was that the drugs sometimes didn't work and it just delayed the inevitable. My mom was furious. I was glad. I didn't want anything. I was pregnant, I had a baby, and I wanted to prove that. Swollen boobs that were constantly leaking were an affirmation of my son's life for me. And they hurt like hell - a physical manifestation of my emotional pain.

Sarah said...

Yuck... My boobs have been tricking me lately too. I never had sore boobs before being pregnant, but now... I do. I hate it.

Oh- and I also have heard that doctors in the US don't use drugs anymore to stop your milk...

kate said...

The milk thing -- it is somewhat political. There really *are* side effects to these drugs, and they are potentially life-threatening. The drugs were widely prescribed to stop lactation in the USA, over 10 years or so, and a handful of women died from heart trouble as a result. Thus, the drug company took it off the market for that purpose, because they didn't want to be sued. FDA had never approved it for that use, it was an off-label use.

However the known risk of side effects is extremely small. From a public health perspective, *no* risk is acceptable if something is only a drug of convenience (i.e. something to be used if a woman doesn't want to breastfeed). But the grieving mommies were completely forgotten in this. For us there IS a psychological benefit to stopping lactation (if we wish it). And it seems to me that nobody thought of that at all. We are NOT the same population as the mom who just doesn't want to breastfeed...but then again we are so often invisible.

Ok, i am sorry. I have totally taken over Laura's blog with my comment. But this issue makes me really angry. Women should be given a choice, with ALL the options and ALL the risks discussed. I had the drugs, but i was not told there was a risk associated with them. People here do not know the drugs are still available. Neither of those is the right way.

And Laura -- i am glad your little flame is returning. I have something for you, i will throw it in the mail this weekend. I am just slow slow slow these days...

Laura said...

Okay, Blogger is being very stupid again. I know that I replied here awhile ago and now it's disappeared. Also my last post went up twice. Stupid.

Rosepetal--I wasn't panicking either after Nate was born about being pregnant, I guess because I knew that I wasn't healthy enough to be pregnant and after a C-section, I really had to wait. I got pregnant both times on our first try, and that has become my benchmark, too. And I know that that is unusual and it's going to drive me nuts, too, if it doesn't happen like that again. Also,I think that your question is a great one and I'm glad that Delphi, Sarah and Kate have helped to answer it because I've wanted to know, too. I think that I remember my doctor saying something about blood clots, but everything is so hazy from that time.

I probably should just start another post about this, but Kate is right. Grieving mommies like us are completely forgotten. I was just given a script for Zoloft and instructions to wait a YEAR before getting pregnant again. No referrals to therapists or support groups. I had to go groping around in the dark trying to catch hold of anyone that would listen and understand. Anyone who had my story but with a happy ending. Yikes, I need to blog more. I've got a lot of junk built up. I think this is a good discussion, though.