Thursday, November 09, 2006

Closer to Fine

I used to sing in my car. I used to be the girl rockin' out at the stoplight, getting embarassed when she realized that someone noticed. Most days now, I cry on my way to work or I cry on my way home. Usually both. I'm definately not a trained singer and honestly, I'd have to get pretty drunk to get up in front of people to sing karaoke. I've always thought that this was a particularly weird thing about me--one of my favorite places to be is on stage with my flute, performing. I love playing to an audience. There is absolutely nothing like a standing ovation, and boy I could sure use one these days. But ask me to sing, and I clam up.

I got into my car tonight, heading home from orchestra, and despite the frustrations of this particular rehearsal, my heart was feeling pretty light. I noticed that I was singing along to Panic at the Disco. That wasn't doing it for me, so I started searching for my Joni Mitchell CD with Big Yellow Taxi, my favorite drunk karaoke song. I try a few bars a capella, but couldn't remember the words. I had to find something--I felt happy! I felt like singing! This was a big deal. At the next stoplight, I dug through my cd wallet and found the holy grail of singin' at the top of your lungs--Indigo Girls.

Ah, the Indigo Girls. I've seen them in concert three times and in college, my girlfriends and I would sit around and just sing, sing, drink and sing with IG in the stereo. To me, their music isn't just great stuff to listen to, it's my college soundtrack. It's friendship, roadtrips, bad break ups and just the plain awesomeness of being a girl. Every track was our anthem.

I haven't listened to a single song since Nate died. I used to sing Indigo Girls songs to my baby. But tonight, I sang. I sang my heart out with Amy and then switched to Emily's parts on the harmonies, like I always did. I sang all the way home, and when I parked in the garage I sat there and sang some more. I sang with a happy heart full of good memories of girlfriends and my sweet baby.

Tomorrow may be different, but tonight I got a glimpse of the old Laura. The singing and dancing and hooray for everything Laura. Tomorrow may be different, but tonight I'm alright. I'm learning not to take these moments for granted, but to celebrate them when they happen.


Anam Cara said...

Thanks for sharing that Laura. It's nice to be able to enjoy moments like that. And it is interesting how those happy moments have so much more significance now, we *feel* them so much more after the hell of grieving.
Bittersweet on the one hand, but happy too. (((hugs)))

vixanne wigg said...

I love The Indigo Girls too. They've got plenty of sad songs too. How many times have I cried over Ghost or Love's Recovery? Oh I'm going to have to go dig out an Indigo Girls CD.

Thanks, Y'all.

I'm glad you're feeling a little bit better today. I hope you have more and more good days and less and less of the bad ones.

nuttychemist said...

My whole life has been played to an indigo girls song. I sang the songs to my live daughter and I have been healed from my first miscarriage with the indigo girls.

I drove home from work this week in the beginnings of a miscarriage and put the indigo girls on.

There is no group better for singing at the top of your lungs.

I'm glad you had a good day

Anonymous said...

I think it's totally normal to lose the "taste for things" after such a trauma. It took me months to get back to normal, to enjoy the simple things once again.

Sounds like you're going the necessary post traumatic stages and with courage. Hope tomorrow is just as fruitful...

kate said...

(((((((hugs))))))) Yeah -- the less i seek my source for some definitive, the closer i am to fine...i sing it out loud too (when noone is around ;)

Sarah said...

I love them too... and remember playing the tape slowly (rewinding every few seconds) so i could write out (and memorize) all of the lyrics to closer to fine...

It feels good to know there are songs out there that give you that happy/sad/strong emotion feeling.

MB said...

Those are good days indeed. So glad you finally got to have one.

whatthef*ck said...

"closer to fine." what a great song and a great post. so glad you busted out a tune in your car and that closer to fine seems thinkable. you're so right about enjoying the good moments. sometimes they are all a girl has.

"sweet baby nate" sounds very sweet indeed. hang in there babe.

(((more singing)))