Wednesday, November 15, 2006

An Interview with Myself

What do you want?
I'd like a baby, thanks.

Well, aren't you scared?
Sure. Of course I am.

What if you have another miscarriage?
The miscarriage was horrible, awful. But...I need to try.

What if you lose another full-term baby? Could you handle that?
Well, I'd have to, wouldn't I? Shut up, don't talk that way.

You've got your head in the sand.
No I do not. Believe me, I'm keenly aware of what could happen.

Why even try again?
Because I know that there's happy endings out there. Because I know that even people who have had total abruptions like I did, have gone on to have more than one beautiful, healthy pregnancy. And because I think that my biggest regret of my life would be not to try again just out of fear. I'm hoping that someday, I'll look at my children and be thankful that I tried again.

You could adopt.
Yeah, I know that. We've done research, we've talked to people, we've thought of finances. It's something we plan on doing whether or not we're able to have kids of our own. It's just that right now, with the agency that we like, it's almost a two-year wait for a little girl from China. I just can't wait right now. One year, yeah. Two years, not right now.

What if you lose another full-term baby? Could you handle that?


I think so.

11 comments:

delphi said...

I truly think we do this thing because we have to. We have eyes. We can see the beauty of the lives of people around us - the ones complaining about their kids up at 2 a.m. puking. We need that, as much as we need to breathe.

Just my 2 cents.

kate said...

(((((hugs))))) That's all i got.

Sarah said...

I think this is where I am too. I just had a just adopt conversation with a friend this morning.

Right now I feel like I have to keep trying to get pregnant. I have to do this before I can really feel good about pursuing adoption.

:) and thanks for the comment.

BethGo said...

Laura-
I had a miscarriage at ten weeks in 2002. I felt like that pregnancy and miscarriage kicked my butt so hard I was scared to ever try again.
We didn't try again until almost 2 years later.
But here's the thing. It WASN'T a perfect pregnancy and it was an absolutely traumatic birth and my baby came out so very hurt. Even though I did everything right. Ok, now I'm crying, sorry. This isn't helping, is it?
But I would do it all over again in a heartbeat because despite everything, it was worth it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you feel you have to try again then you just have to try. There IS a huge risk and you know that better than anyone.
I am just hoping the best for you.

Lizzie said...

Lala-
There will be a happy ending. I am not saying this to make you feel better. I firmly believe it. You are one of the most wonderful people ever and although bad things can happen to good people, good things happen too. God will not let you leave this earth childless and broken hearted. I know you are scared shitless of the possiblity if this happening again but you have a TON of support to nudge you through. We love you bunches!

kateandjona said...

Praying for your happy ending ...

whatthef*ck said...

Amen to your conversation with yourself. I'll be here to hold your hand along with so many others. It just has to be okay next time.

Heather said...

Hi, I've been lurking here for a bit. I lost a 39 weeker 25 mins after his birth in 2000. I tried again right away, and had a m/c. I thought I was finished. It took 2 years to gather myself together (I had a 14 month old at home when I lost her brother) and I have since had 1 living boy and a living girl.
I couldn't not try again. I couldn't finish on a "negative". I had to go out on a high, whether it came from pregnancy or adoption. Subsequent pregnancies worked out, and I know how truely fortunate I am.
I think we try again because we are mothers. We have to have someone to love and nurture. But remember to love and nurture yourself in this process. Because that's the one thing mothers always neglect to do.

KTP said...

Laura,
I just went to see Indigo Girls on Monday night in Los Angeles. They were awesome, as usual. I always say that their music intensifies whatever emotion I am feeling: if I'm sad, it helps me cry it out and if I am happy, it makes me happier. And it reminds me of who I am.

Artblog said...

Thats exactly the same conversation I've had with almost everyone i know, including my husband and i feel exactly the same as you! Nice to see I'm not the only one who feels that way, cheers!

Heather is soo right, going out on a high, love that!

Rosepetal said...

Good luck Laura. What else is there to say?

We are also close to the terrifying TTC after loss. (losses in your case) Gulp.