Friday, November 03, 2006

aaaaaaaand, scene!

Okay, the offending clothes and books are folded neatly in a Zingerman's Deli mail order box, minus dead skunks or dog shit. I had 3 tops, 1 pair of okay pants and 2 pairs of ugly-ass pants that I never wore, and a couple of books. Most of it from Target and none of it haute couture. (Not that there's anything wrong with Target clothes. I love Target and most all of my own maternity clothes are either from there or from second hand mama stores. I'm just being a jerk.) Tom helped me dig out those clothes last night. He was so sweet, he said, "Let's do it now and then we can watch The Office to cheer you up." I was so glad that he acknowleged that it would be hard for me to do that, we think of things differently most of the time. Left brain, right brain couple.

So, Tom's gonna dump those off for me today. I've yet to send any type of communication, she's probably really got her knickers in a twist now. Awesome. I think, in the end, a short version is sweeter. Like, "They'll be on your porch." Just knowing her like I have for 13 years, the short version will piss her off even more and I need to nip this thing in the bud NOW. To answer Jill, yes, she's always been very self absorbed. I could tell you things that would make your hair curl, but spill it all here wouldn't be nice....

Thank you for all of your great advice--both bloggy friends and in real life friends--it was great therapy for me to get all of that out and to know that I wasn't being a big baby about it. I have 13 years of built up garbage about this woman. So, while I would never, ever, ever wish her a dangerous pregnancy with a horrible outcome, I could wish her some discomfort. Like:

  • May she have hemorrhoids that swell to the size of dinner plates.
  • May she be so constipated that her eyes are bloodshot for the duration.
  • May she have acne so bad, her face is like ground beef.
  • With every chuckle, may she pee her pants.
  • May she pass gas publicly. Often.

Feel free to add.

p.s.--my period started again. 19 day cycle. I wish that my body would just get back to normal, if it even knows what normal is anymore. Also, baby-making sex sucks and we're not doing it anymore. Sex for fun and leisure only. Then we'll see what happens.


delphi said...

Speaking from the current state of my bottom, wishing her hemorrhoids AND constipation is practically the worst thing I can think of too! I am wishing her the same.

Congratulations on getting that piece of dirty work out of the way. May you never have to worry about her again.

P.S. My word verification is "favahzop". Sounds like a rap-star name, I think, hee hee.

Kathy McC said...

May she have stretch marks all over her belly, thighs and butt.

May she have varicose veins on her legs so bad that she has to wear support hose every damn day, even through July and August!

Glad you got it out of the way...

kate said...

Hee hee hee....hemorrhoids AND constipation ooh ooh ouch. May she get it in spades LOL.

Sorry about the 19-day cycle, that SUCKS. I agree about the baby-making sex though...

delphi said...

P.P.S. I got your email and am dying to respond and will as soon as I have a few decent minutes to do it properly.

Jill said...

Love, love, LOVE your list!! Tee hee:) May she also experience the wonders of severe morning sickness to help her relieve the constipation. All that heaving will force it out through the 'roids. Eww.