Chip should have been born this week.

I'm so conflicted on how I should feel about this. I'm certainly sad. I certainly haven't forgotten about him (or her)--but it's almost like I knew from the very beginning that the little beaner wasn't going to make it. But there was hope, for sure. But hope and hope lost, again. I never pictured myself making it all the way to 38 weeks, preparing the nursery, folding little onsies again. But maybe I just wouldn't let myself picture those things. It's hard for me to picture them with this one, too, even though this is a completely different kind of pregnancy. It's a more pregnant kind of pregnancy, which I'm thankful for. But am I able to imagine October? Not really.

To think about how different things would be right now, this week, is difficult. I think about that nearly empty bedroom we call "the nursery" when no one else is around. The one that only holds a few plants, a garage sale glider rocker and Nate's chest of drawers. How different it should look today.

I'm sorry, little one. I'm sorry that you never got a chance. You're not forgotten.

Ewwww.....

Guess who I ran into this weekend? My ex-boyfriend. I had neither seen nor talked to him since we broke up, let's see, three years ago? We were together for six years. Six! I totally wasted my twenties on this guy. Actually, for a long time we had a lot of fun. He was in a cool band. He knew lots of cool people. He was a DJ on a cool radio station here in town. So, you know, he was pretty fun to begin with. Then he started running. A lot. And not just 5Ks. He did marathons, 32 mile ultramax races, adventure races, Ironman stuff. He spent all of his money on bike gear and nipple guards and I'd end up with crap presents for my birthday like a computer generated coupon for a backrub or some such shit. Also, with all of this activity, I was eating more than he was and I was on Weight Watchers most of the time. He got so thin and began acting like an asshole constantly. I think that his brain was being eaten by his body.

So he sounds like a real catch, eh? I still started bugging him about getting married around four years into the thing. I was watching all, and I do mean ALL of my friends get married and started to panic. Finally, we ended up in therapy. Just one session, though. That's all it took for me to realize that I was being a complete needy idiot. He had no intention of ever marrying me and I wasn't going to waste one more day on this guy. The end.

So, three years later (last Saturday, specifically), standing in the bagel shop, I hear:

"Laura?"

I turn around and see a even thinner John, standing there looking like a scarecrow and I almost throw up on the floor. (Which I was going to anyway, if I didn't get my bagel soon.)

"Oh, hey!", I say fakely and give him a fake hug.

(small talk, small talk)

He looks at mid-section that I'm trying to disguise with a baggy Riverdance t-shirt.

"Are you having a baby?"

I guess by my third go at this, I'm looking more pregnant than I really am. I look down at my belly and say, "Oh yeah. I am. But I'm pregnant a lot, so we'll see. Heh, heh." Ack! Who says stuff like that? Way to be morbid, Laura. And then 'heh, heh?' I should have just told him, "No I am not pregnant. I am fat. You asshole."

"Oh, I heard about what happened last year. I'm sure sorry," he said.

"Thanks. It's been really hard."

And then more small talk where I discover that he's still doing the same boring, self-centered stuff that he's done forever and will probably be a very lonely old man, doing the same thing. I've known from the very beginning how lucky I am to have found Tom. I know that I griped about him a bit yesterday, but honestly I could fill volumes with testimonies on how wonderful he is. And when it comes to gift-giving, you could say that a coupon for free hugs is romantic and sweet and it's the thought that counts. But a Tiffany bracelet for Christmas is a whole hell of a lot better. Call me petty.

Thank you for all of the happy, happy comments! Things are fine here. Still pregnant, no spotting (which by this point I was spotting daily with Chip), taking two naps a day and the only things that I want to eat are pop tarts, waffles and Life cereal. It's the breakfast, lunch and dinner of champions. Pretty much everything is grossing me out--in fact, there's some cat puke in my laundry room that's been there for an hour and a half. I need to put in a load of undies soon, and there's only so many times that I can step over that stuff. So, I'll get right on that.

I feel bad for my husband, he's hungry. But I think that in the past couple of days he's figured out that if he wants to eat something other than the previously listed items, he's gonna have to cook it himself. Also, my house is dirty. We had a huge fight about this on Sunday--but I think that it had something to do with the fact that we'd been watching How Clean is Your House on BBC and he likened our fridge to one on the show. This makes him sound like a total caveman, but I mean, shit, I'm home all day. My house should at least be clean. I'm tired though. I think after the Big Argument, he's understanding where I'm coming from a lot more. (Now, he reads this blog, so don't say anything mean.)

So, I've been kicked in the arse by Beth to write more, so I'm going to. I doubt very seriously that I'm going to talk about being pregnant much, at least for awhile. I'm tired, sick and I've got wicked gas--not much good reading there. I do have a couple of meme type posts to get caught up on, and I've got some other posts that have been kicking around in my head in the early morning hours. So, I'm going to try very hard to get back in the habit of writing. My problem is that I'm such a lurker. I never thought that I had anything very interesting to say.

I've got a worry that has been really bothering me, other than just the obvious worry of getting through the first trimester. Some of my family members and very good friends found out about this pregnancy through this blog. I feel bad about it. This time was just so weird though. I just couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone this time. I was happy to find out that I was pregnant again, but I'd say that excited wouldn't be the word for it. I just knew that as soon as I told people, I'd be calling them right back to tell them that I lost another one. I don't know. I'm so afraid that I've done irreversible damage to my friendships this past year. I've just been dealing with this the best way I know how, and obviously that's to pull away from everyone. I love my friends and I miss them. I just wanted to say that.

Okay, Okay, Okay. Geez.

I really was working on a good post, but then I got sidetracked when I decided that I just HAD to decorate my house for Easter. Good Christ, I had daffodills coming up but no bunnies in my house. What, what? Yeah, that's a lousy excuse. Anyway, after a really good OB appointment here is my news...

Third Time's the Charm??

It measured today at 8w2d with a heartbeat of 175. I'm sleeping or just gorked out in the recliner all the time, which may account for my lack of posts. Also, last week I puked!! Hooray, I feel like shit! I'm serious, this is good news. Remember last time, I was so freaked because I wasn't sick? Yeah.

I haven't said anything, because I didn't want to jinx myself. This time is really different--it's much scarier now. I had late pregnancy to worry about, and now I'm terrifed of this early part, too. I hold my breath everytime I go to the bathroom. BUT...I had a great appointment this morning and I get to have another ultrasound in two weeks. Hanging on to the positive!!

So there's my news. Ta da!

Holy Crap, I Suck

Oh man, I haven't written a word since last month. That is just inexcusable.

I just wanted to say hello to the nice people who are still checking in! And I promise that I'll write something good (or maybe not good, but something) tomorrow. I just don't know about what, though. It might be about pie or flowers or my weenie dog. Wow, I'm so uninspired lately. I've got major writer's block. Major, major, major.

Ummm.....I do have something to talk about, actually, but I'm going to sit on it for awhile longer. How's that for a tasty teaser?

Talk to you tomorrow....