Wednesday, March 28, 2007


Guess who I ran into this weekend? My ex-boyfriend. I had neither seen nor talked to him since we broke up, let's see, three years ago? We were together for six years. Six! I totally wasted my twenties on this guy. Actually, for a long time we had a lot of fun. He was in a cool band. He knew lots of cool people. He was a DJ on a cool radio station here in town. So, you know, he was pretty fun to begin with. Then he started running. A lot. And not just 5Ks. He did marathons, 32 mile ultramax races, adventure races, Ironman stuff. He spent all of his money on bike gear and nipple guards and I'd end up with crap presents for my birthday like a computer generated coupon for a backrub or some such shit. Also, with all of this activity, I was eating more than he was and I was on Weight Watchers most of the time. He got so thin and began acting like an asshole constantly. I think that his brain was being eaten by his body.

So he sounds like a real catch, eh? I still started bugging him about getting married around four years into the thing. I was watching all, and I do mean ALL of my friends get married and started to panic. Finally, we ended up in therapy. Just one session, though. That's all it took for me to realize that I was being a complete needy idiot. He had no intention of ever marrying me and I wasn't going to waste one more day on this guy. The end.

So, three years later (last Saturday, specifically), standing in the bagel shop, I hear:


I turn around and see a even thinner John, standing there looking like a scarecrow and I almost throw up on the floor. (Which I was going to anyway, if I didn't get my bagel soon.)

"Oh, hey!", I say fakely and give him a fake hug.

(small talk, small talk)

He looks at mid-section that I'm trying to disguise with a baggy Riverdance t-shirt.

"Are you having a baby?"

I guess by my third go at this, I'm looking more pregnant than I really am. I look down at my belly and say, "Oh yeah. I am. But I'm pregnant a lot, so we'll see. Heh, heh." Ack! Who says stuff like that? Way to be morbid, Laura. And then 'heh, heh?' I should have just told him, "No I am not pregnant. I am fat. You asshole."

"Oh, I heard about what happened last year. I'm sure sorry," he said.

"Thanks. It's been really hard."

And then more small talk where I discover that he's still doing the same boring, self-centered stuff that he's done forever and will probably be a very lonely old man, doing the same thing. I've known from the very beginning how lucky I am to have found Tom. I know that I griped about him a bit yesterday, but honestly I could fill volumes with testimonies on how wonderful he is. And when it comes to gift-giving, you could say that a coupon for free hugs is romantic and sweet and it's the thought that counts. But a Tiffany bracelet for Christmas is a whole hell of a lot better. Call me petty.


Aurelia said...

Well, he may be an asshole, but I'll give your ex credit for at least being able to say I'm sorry, and nothing awful to go with it.

And I do agree, coupons for free hugs are cute in College, or on a second date, but after awhile, Tiffany is pretty nice too!

Laura said...

I totally agree. I knew that he had known what had happened, and he could have ignored it. It was nice of him to say that he was sorry, because I knew that he truely meant it.

kate said...

For whatever it's worth, i think your response was perfectly reasonable. And kudos to him for not saying anything stupid...but yeah i am glad you are not married to Mr. Workout there. I am not going to even ask what 'nipple guards' are! LOL

delphi said...

Blech. There is one ex that I have nightmares about bumping into - and we only dated a few months!!!! I am not very strong about those sorts of things.

Diamonds. Diamonds are forever. Hug coupons are for nothing. Okay, I like hug coupons because they are interspersed with diamonds.

And, actually, that little bit of dead-baby-humour that you gave him (heh heh) seems like a good response to me. But, seriously, what kind of insane idiot EVER asks a woman if she is pregnant - haven't you ever seen a sitcom, people????

Rosepetal said...

Absolutely agree with Delphi. Never ask if she's pregnant! And hug coupons? I expect hugs and backrubs without needing a coupon....

when is your next appt?

Angela said...

I usually just lurk but I must say, your little dead-baby-humor paragraph made me giggle out loud. Uff, I guess I am getting quite morbid myself, then.

(((hugs))) to you, and all sorts of good thoughts.

Brenda said...

I think the world would be a better place if all the ex's were sent to a island!!!! lol
Oh that would be ' male ex's'. :)


Sara said...

Sure you're not talking about my ex? Blech. There's not "thought" behind a hugs coupon. It just means he gave it no thought or forgot until the last moment. We're in a big "saving" money phase, but my husband still manages to find inexpensive gifts that required lots of thought.