Friday, June 02, 2006

This week and tomorrow and in a little while

A year ago this week I found out that I was pregnant with Nate. Tomorrow it will be a year ago that Tom and I told my mom that I was pregnant. I wanted to tell her on June 3rd because a year before that my Nana, her mom, died. I wanted to give her some happy news that day. I remember that time so vividly. God, how things can change in a year.

Tomorrow it will be exactly four months since Nate died. Have I moved forward in these four months? I think so for the most part. I've decided just to let myself feel whatever I need to feel--just to be a little leaf, floating along in whatever direction I need to go in the moment. I've noticed that my grieving has changed. Lately, I've not been crying for two or three days--but then I'm hit with wailing, heaving fits out of nowhere. So, I'm not even going to try to predict these things--just going to let them happen.

In a little while, July to be exact, we can start trying for another baby. I've been consumed with the thought of being pregnant for four months, and now that we're getting closer to D-day, I'm getting very nervous. I've spent the last four months getting trying to get into shape so that I can have a healthy pregnancy--I've lost 60 pounds (okay, a lot of that was baby and fluid, but still) I've been working out, taking my pre-natals, eating right. I'm just getting scared--I know what can happen. I know that I'm not exempt.

Four months. I should be good at so many baby things by this point, but right now I can't even hold one properly. I don't know how to feed a baby, I don't know how to burp a baby, I don't think that I could change a diaper fast enough to avoid being peed on. I can learn this stuff fast--I just need a chance. Please.

6 comments:

Catherine said...

{{{hugs}}} I hope you get your chance too.

sillyhummingbird said...

The grieving process is a strange thing--I agree. Almost ten months out I can't predict how I'll feel or what certain situations will do to me. You are right--go with it and whatever is--is.

I, too, hope you get your chance.

Emma's Mum said...

I will be hoping and praying that you get you chance. Congrats on the new house and new beginning...
I am learning that you can't put a time frame on the grieving process. However you feel on a certain day is what you have to deal with....I am hoping that with time the really bad days get easier, but I know there will always be worse days mixed in with the good ones.

Emma's Mum said...

Also, I wanted to add one more thing....
It is strange how we have been through the worst moments of being a parent and have had to make the hardest decisions we will ever have to make - and we (in most cases) did not even get to feed our child. One day - hopefully - we will get that chance.....to experience both the good and the bad. (((Hugs)))

kate said...

I also hope you have your chance soon.

That stuff -- the feeding and the diapering and the walking them around through the night -- much of it is easy (diapers) and some of it is hard (sleep deprivation) but none of it compares to what you have already had to do...saying goodbye to your sweet Nate.

The Princess said...

I know how hard anniversaries can be. When the one year rolled around for my miscarriage, each day I would think "this time last year".

You'll be in thoughts!