Monday, January 08, 2007

Dreaming and Other Thoughts

Thank you so much for all of your encouragement in the last post. For the millionth time, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have all of you awesome people telling me that I'm not nuts.

I rarely remember my dreams. I'm not sure why--I've never been able to. I guess that I just sleep too soundly. I don't sleep as well as I used to, but when I do, I'm knocked out pretty thoroughly.

You know those dreams that are so vivid that when you wake it takes a few moments for you to realize that you had dreamt it? I had one in high school that I was a varsity cheerleader (which, um, I was band president so that wasn't true, obviously.) It was so vivid that when I woke up the next morning, I went to the closet to get my uniform. In my dream, it was game day and we had to wear our uniforms to school. Needless to say, there wasn't a cheerleader uniform in my closet. Recently, I've had a couple of very vivid childbirth dreams. It wasn't Nate's birth, because in my dream I knew that Nate had died and this was a new baby. It was so real and I'm hoping that it may have been a sign of good things to come.

And then there are the dreams that make you wonder if someone is trying to say "hey" or "I'm alright!" Right after my grandma died I dreamt that she called me on the phone. In the dream I knew that she had passed away, so obviously I was pretty surprised when on the other end I hear, "Helloooo! This is your Nana!" She always said it just like that. "I'm in Kentucky and I'm having a wonderful time. We're on our way to Florida. Let me talk to your Mama." And that was the dream. And then there was this one that I had a few months after Nate died.

Last night, I dreamt about a boy who was just a little bigger this time. Still wearing overalls, too--I bet that I'll always picture Nate in overalls. We were in a different house, which makes sense because we never would have bought this current house had he lived. We moved because we just couldn't stand to be in that house any longer. There really wasn't much to the dream--just me being a mom. I remember saying "Hey, come back here!" and "Yuck, get that out of your mouth!" That was it.

I wish that I would dream about him more often. I've only had a couple that I'm aware of. Maybe I just dreamt about him and that's all it was--a dream. Maybe he was dropping by to let me know that everything was alright with him and that it was going to be alright with me, too. I'm not sure if I were still pregnant if I'd be handling this better or not. I just don't know. Is there a "good" way to handle this? I've been dreading the month of January. I'm even scared of the word. January. I'm scared of the expiration dates on food, what if they say January 31st? Last night at Dep.ot, there was a sale that ended on January 31st and it was proclaimed on huge signs all over the store. The way the air smells. The way the trees look. My purple coat that I wore to the hospital. Everything just feels haunted to me.

1 comment:

BabyDansMommy said...

I too wish I would dream about my son more. After he died, I had alot of dreams. Not good though. They mostly involved the guy from the funeral home coming to pick him up at the house. In some dreams my son would be ok...and the guy kept trying to take him anyway. In other dreams I remember sitting on my bed with my son in my arms..and he kept mouthing "mommy I don't want to go". No sounds....but I knew what he was saying. This haunted me for so long. My son died on 1/19 which that year was MLK jr. day. I dread that day still. I usually take off work, for some reason I didn't this year. I'll probably have to call in. For my sons birthday, in July, we always get balloons for him and take to the cemetary, I have a little birthday flag I hang up, and light his candles. I sing happy birthday to him, I get a little cake and we eat the cake after supper. I still try to celebrate his birthday, as much as it hurts that he's not here. It was still special. Sorry I wrote so much...seems your post opened up alot in my thoughts to.