Friday, January 05, 2007

Please, please someone tell me that this gets easier. Please.

Those days where you want to just lay down and die, do those stop? Please tell me they do. Will it be easier after his birthday? I can't go on this way. I can't. I won't.

Maybe it's because I've been on my period for 12 days. Now I'm terrified that something is wrong with me.

I hate this.

**Updated to say**
The nurse finally called me just now. Doc said it's stress that's causing me to have an everlasting period. Also, it can take quite a few months to regulate after a D & C. Don't worry about it, he said. Okie doke. I'm feeling better now, by the way. It's like drunk dialing, don't blog when you're having a major meltdown. I'm going now to get my haircut fixed. I look like Molly Ringwald--Sixteen Candles Molly Ringwald. I should just put on some camel-toe mom jeans, then I'll look great. Cheers.


Rosepetal said...

I'm so so sorry you're having an especially bad time. You have been through SUCH a lot in the last year.

I am guessing that sadly those days are only to be expected with Nate's 1st birthday coming up soon. :-((


For your period - can you check it out with your doctor? Will s/he at least call you back if you leave a message? I don't know how it works over there. But better to check than to stew with worry.

Thinking of you Laura, lots of love to you.

delphi said...

It gets easier. This month will suck. Then his birthday will pass and you might feel a little better. And stupid AF isn't helping.

Hang in there!!!


Catherine said...

Distraction...find a distraction. Listening to frogs playing bluegrass seems to help me. :o)

Anonymous said...

Oh Laura!

If I say it will get better, eventually, will it help? Gabrielle's one year is coming up in a month and I am dreading it too :(

Feel as shit as you need to, let it all out, then try to go on, distraction is good, if you can manage it.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this bad. And DO go to the doc about your periods... probably nothing but just in case.


MB said...

I'll tell you, for me, the anxiety of the birthday and the days leading up to it were way worse than the actual day.

Hugs. How about a cocktail and a nice dinner? You deserve it.


whatthef*ck said...

ohh the camel-toe jeans. such a vivid image, thank you very little. just kidding.

christ i hope your period ends this instant, you poor thing.

for me the anticipation and dread of the birthday was worse than the actual thing. of course i was majorly distracted by being afraid that my current pregnancy would end tragically at any moment. it just sucks beyond description that you are having to deal with the miscarriage on top of your son's death. it's unspeakable really.

Emma's Mum said...

I am glad you are feeling better - I was feeling the same way last week - major meltdowns.....b/c I was not getting AF and then it came on really strong. You just want to feel normal again.....We are about on the same schedule post d& i guess it does take a while to get back on track. That is what I am hoping anyway! As soon as we got into 2007, I started to freak a bit about March - Emma's bday. How can it be almost a year??? So, I guess I don't really have any good advice for you, other than to say I do know how you feel and it sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

three minute palaver said...

I felt really bad in the months and weeks leading up to my baby's birth/death anniversary and then felt a little lighter after that date had passed. It will be the 2nd anniversary this March, so I am starting to feel antsy about it all over again. For me, I just became majorly obsessed with ttc again and put dealing with the boy I lost in my too hard basket. Becuase I never dealt with it properly, it catches me by surprise all the time, bubbling to the surface very easily and feels confused and raw but not as painful as this time last year. I hope it starts getting a little better and a little lighter for you one day.

Carl & Ruby said...

I don't know if you mind just anyone commenting on your blog, but here's my two cents...It gets easier! The birth date, and leading up to it is always the hardest. It will never go away, but it will eventually be more bearable. I had and lost my daughter at 21 weeks 6 days gestation, six years ago and miscarried at seven weeks. I feel for you, I'm sorry.

Anam Cara said...

It may not get better because Nate is gone forever and we can never change that, but it will get easier. I definitely think the weeks leading up the anniversary are the worst, almost as bad as those first horrible early weeks after our babies died. I found the time leading up to my Thomas' 1st anniversary almost unbearable. I seriously thought I would have a complete and total mental breakdown. Looking back I don't know how I didn't. It sucks and it is so so so very hard, but somehow we do it. We are all here to support you. I will be thinking of you and sending you big (((hugs))

lauralu said...

for me, the horribleness has become less relentless. it still comes up - this christmas was nearly as bad as the last one - but the breaks in between get longer and longer. wishing you peace.

kate said...

Yes, it gets easier with time. Yes, you still have those days. But they become less and less frequent. And the lead-up to the birthday, the first birthday especially, is just awful.

I am glad you updated and i hope you have some good days coming...

BethGo said...

I think it's also to remember that YOU went through a huge trauma a year ago. No duh? Right? But sometimes we mothers forget about ourselves. The one year anniversary of your ordeal is here and you have a right to feel raw and sad and angry. Take it easy on yourself, girl.
I'm thinking about you and hoping the best for you.

BabyDansMommy said...

just sending you some hugs. the first birthday is tough. I'll be thinking of you. please take care

msfitzita said...

Oh Laura...

Yes, it does get easier. Mercifully and magically, it does - but it takes time. I found getting past Thomas' first birthday and the anniversary of his death very, very healing. All the firsts were done and I didn't have to dread them any longer.

But the lead up to those days was horrendous and I truly thought I was losing what was left of my mind.

All this is normal. The hardest thing I ever done in my entire life has been surviving the loss of my son, and it's something I do every day and will have to do every day for the rest of my life. Some days are easier than others - and big days are very difficult indeed.

Go easy on yourself. You're doing just fine.

If it makes you feel better, I once read that on average, parents who have lost a child say it takes 2 - 5 years to feel "normal" and relatively healed again.

It takes time, but it gets easier.