She's here! Healthy & so pretty! More soon....

12 Hours to Go!

Okay, we just have to get through one more night! I am not packed and all of the new stuff--double stroller, car seat, bad ass i-pod compatible swing--still in original boxes. I'm going to pack in here in a minute, though. Tom can get all all the other stuff ready this week. We used all of Nate's stuff with Ben, so there was nothing to unbox. I've just been too superstitious to do yet.

Rosie has been really busy today, be-bopping around in there. I had my last OB appointment and everything looks good. We have to be at the hospital at 6 in the morning and my surgery is at 7:30.


Thank you so much for all of your good vibes and thoughts. I love you guys a lot. I'll update as soon as I can!

Here's a sneak preview. I think she looks just like her brothers.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

She was supposed to be born today. Yesterday was my amnio and she just isn't ready yet. Now I'm scheduled for the 25th and this is going to be a long, scary week. Of course I don't want her to arrive before she's ready--time in the NICU would be awful. For both of us. I don't ever, ever want to go to my hospital's NICU again. I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm a wreck. I've been crying all morning. I've been a shitty mom to Ben and I don't see that improving this week. I think I'm afraid to move too much.

I have to keep reminding myself that right now, everything is okay. She didn't die. She just wasn't born today. She's still okay in there. And I have to keep reminding myself that I won't go as long as I did with Nate, I don't have the horrible swelling that I did with Nate. I had Ben at 38.5 weeks and that turned out okay. We just lost Nate so fast. Everything was fine and then suddenly it wasn't. I've been going back and forth with this all day and it's driving me crazy. There is nothing I can do but breathe, breathe, breathe. And some new yarn might help, too.

3

I thought he'd cry when the balloons floated away, but he didn't. Maybe he understood more than I thought he would. Happy Birthday, Sweet Pea.

Birthday Eve

I cried myself to sleep last night. I've been on the verge of a panic attack for days now. I knew that it was going to be hard being pregnant on Nate's birthday...especially this pregnant. Goddammit, this makes me so mad. It's not fair that I have to be so scared. Too scared to remove tags and wash little pink things. Too scared to have even prepared any semblance of a nursery. She'll be here in 19 days and all I can do is just sit here and hope I don't explode. It doesn't make it one bit easier that I've done this before. In fact, I think that I'm a little more freaked out this time than I was with Ben. I don't know why. Maybe I was just as freaked but don't remember. That's why I'm doing it again.

I miss him. I hate this.

Little Brother

I walked into Ben's bedroom this afternoon. He'd been too quiet and I wanted to see what he'd gotten into. He had his back to me, standing there and digging through his baskets of weird, random toys that I keep in there. Plastic cups, happy meal toys, junk like that. He was puttering so quietly and looked so small standing there. Alone. For the first time it really struck me how unfair it was that he got cheated out of a big brother and he doesn't even know it yet. To watch him play all by himself makes my heart hurt.

Okay, okay already :)

I suck! I know!
Everything is just fine. I am so sorry that I haven't updated--you are all such good friends to me. Okay, this pregnancy is very boring and I know that's just how we like 'em. I'm 20 weeks now. We had the "big" ultrasound last week and the baby looks great. Also, to our surprise, the baby had no penis. We're having a girl! What? Huh? I hadn't even looked at girl names, so if anyone has any suggestions, bring 'em on! I finally got my husband to agree to Samuel. So, anyway....

I will update again soon. Benny had his 1st birthday party on Saturday. I can't believe it.

Take Four

10 weeks, 2 days

No spotting, plenty of morning sickness (unlike my second pregnancy.) Everything looks great...just a little sooner than we were planning!

Hey There.

And somehow, three more months have slipped by without a word from me. B. turned eight months old today. I seriously blame this on the fact that it's only been a few weeks that he's been sleeping more than two hours at a time at night. Yup. I was still nursing him every two hours when he was seven months old. I didn't get the memo that you weren't supposed to do that. Every time he cried, I put a boob in his face and I created a little monster in the process. So that's why I dropped off the face of the planet. Now that I'm getting six consecutive hours of sleep (!), I need to get into the habit of writing again. And I want to get caught up with everyone, too. I wonder if anyone is still stopping by...

Five Months Today

Oh, I'm crazy about this kid!

Oh gee..

Thanks for those coupons for Pull-Ups that I received today, nice folks at Huggies. You are nothing if not wonderfully prompt. The coupons and accompanying potty training tips will come in handy, no doubt.

Yesterday

As soon as the calendar flipped over to January, I started feeling anxious. But then then the day still snuck up on me anyway. It's not over yet...tomorrow was Nate's due date. Sunday is the day that he died. Tuesday is the anniversary of his funeral. So many dates.

Yesterday was so much different than his first birthday. Tom and I spent the day together, just like we did last year, but this time we had Nate's little brother to make us laugh. I've thought so much about what I could do to honor Nate on his birthday and I finally came to the conclusion that being together as a family and loving each other like crazy is a good way to do that.

I made birthday brownie sundaes and we had pizza for dinner while watching the Democratic debate on CNN. We just spent a nice day together, but in the back of my mind all day I was trying to think of how I could have prevented the abruption. What did I do? Doctors can tell me all day long that you can neither prevent nor predict them, but I'm still going to blame myself for the rest of my life and that's just the way it is.

Two years ago...we would have still been in the hospital. The doctors would have been running tests, but I think that everyone knew what the outcome was going to be except for me. I was using the hospital breast pump because I thought that Nate would need to eat when he woke up. That's how clueless I was. I remember getting flowers delivered from a cousin with a card that read, "sorry for your loss" and I went ballistic. I guess I knew what would happen....I just didn't believe it. I still don't believe it.

I've also keeping thinking of the time I was standing in the NICU in my hospital gown, still bloated from the terrible edema with bad hair in need of highlights and Nate's neurologist looked me up and down and snidely said, "Did you have pre-natal care?" All I could do was sputter, "What?" I thought I was going to throw up. "Of course I did! This wasn't my fault!" I hated him for saying that to me and I hated even more that he was the one who would determine that Nate's little brain was completely dead and he was never, ever, ever going to wake up. Never. That paragraph doesn't even really make sense in this post...it's just a bad memory that has been going through my mind that I've never wrote about. Now maybe it won't wake me up at night.

This is hard. I mean, it's easier--it is, but it's still so damn hard.

Two

Happy Birthday, Natey.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the starts apart

i carry you in my heart (i carry it in my heart)

--ee cummings, 95 poems

Nathaniel Guy

Born on Tuesday, January 31st at 2:12 am

7 pounds 11 ounces and 21.5 inches long

We love you, baby.

Random Stuff

I've got so much to talk about that it's all built up and now I don't know what to talk about! So I'll just talk about a little bit of this and that and maybe I can come up with a decent post later.

______________________

Ben is sleeping at six hour stretches through the night now and it's incredible. For awhile, he was waking every hour and a half and not really taking naps during the day. He got this from me. I suck at naps--I'm afraid I'll miss something exciting, I guess, and so is he. I handled it for a couple of weeks, but then I spent all day crying, sometimes hysterically. I was such a mess in my 6 week post partum check up that my doctor prescribed me anti-depressants. I haven't taken them. Part of it was lack of sleep, part of it was raging hormones and part of it was missing Nate so badly. The first two making the latter so much worse. I was also plagued by morbid thoughts of Ben being hurt or not waking up in the morning and thinking that I would know exactly what he would look like if he died in the night. Fucked up thoughts, indeed. Thank God they seem to be dissipating.

_________________________

I'm a cloth diaper dropout. I spent hours researching diapers, dropped a few hundred dollars on some and um, it's a no-go. I preached the wonders of cloth dipes to anyone who would listen--"Do you know how many dirty diapers end up in our landfills?" and "Do you have any idea how many chemicals are in disposable diapers?" and "They make them so easy to use these days! No Pins!!" and "I like doing laundry!" (I really do, used to anyway.) Ugh, whatever. That was before I had a kid that pees every five minutes. I'm going to give myself a break, though. We recycle everything and my husband has an obsession with composing. We have an elaborate system of rotting organic goodness in our backyard. So at least we're doing something for the planet. Anyway....I'm probably going to sell an assload of size 0 Kissaluvs soon :( I might try cloth again when he's older, but in the meantime I have to listen to a chorus of "told you so's!!"

____________________

I've been pregnant, recovering from a birth, waiting to get pregnant, pregnant, recovering from a D&C and pregnant since May of 2005. I've either been pregnant or obsessed with being pregnant. Now I'm carrying around the left over weight of two and a half pregnancies and since I sat on my ass for the entirety of this last one, I'm weak and tired and completely out of shape. So.....I'm starting with a personal trainer on the 28th. If I lost 20 pounds, I'd feel a hell of a lot better, but if I lost 40 I'd actually be kinda hot again. I also want to start running. I've always wanted to be a runner and now Tom is running every morning and doing 5k's. It would be nice if we could do that together. I have to start looking forward now and I'm going to start that by getting healthy again. My whole world has been standing still since 22 and a half months ago. But I need to get healthy physically, spiritually and emotionally for little brother. It's just not fair to Ben otherwise.

_______________________

Speaking of feeling better--I'm getting my gall bladder removed tomorrow!!!! Woot, woot!! I can't believe that I'm excited to have an organ removed, but I can't wait. My gall bladder is horrible and vile and I want it OUT!! The stupid little bastard has been torturing me since July. I don't know what else to say about that. I'm happy, that's all.

_________________________

Today's my birthday. I'm 33. Or 32 or 34. It all runs together after 30. Okay, yeah, I'm 33. I haven't done anything except go to my pre-admit for the above. I want to go out for sushi and I want big glasses of wine. I haven't had either since I had Ben and I have to make up for it. I wonder what Tom got me...he usually does pretty well with gifts. He picks up on hints better than most.

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Ben laughs in his sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Maybe he's playing with his big brother. I love him so much and it's so hard to see what we'd been missing out on. But I kind of expected that going into this.

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Here is one of Ben's Christmas pictures. He was six weeks old here.

My sister says that he looks like a centerfold pic with his hand behind his head like that. In all of the others, he's making an "oooo" face because he was screaming and I had to give him his pacifier and yoink it out right before the photographer took the picture. He's silly.

An embarassingly short update....

Hmmm, I wonder if anyone is stopping by anymore? I certainly don't blame you if you haven't. My blog has become one of those that used to drive me crazy. I'd write more if I didn't spend all my time on the La Leche League message boards. Anyway...

Ben is the bomb!! Especially now that he's sleeping in 5 and 6 hour chunks at night. I was getting to the point that I was crying all day because I was just so exhausted. But he really is a good baby. He eats a lot (which he got from both his parents)...he's up to 11 and a half pounds at 7 weeks. Hooray for boobies!! I wanted to update with a couple of pictures from yesterday's Christmas Parade. Tom wears Ben wherever we go...it's extremely cute. Wow, I love my boys.

Ooops, he's up again and ready to eat. I didn't time this very well. Better post later...I promise!!

Three Weeks Old Today!

When I woke up on the morning of the 18th and felt Ben move, it was the first time in 38.5 weeks that I felt good. I felt my shoulders come down from around my ears. The huge knot in my chest was gone. We made it through that last night and everything was okay. We were going to get our baby today!!!!!!!!!!





We had to be at the hospital at 6am, so before we left at 5:30, we took one more belly shot for the road. I didn't realize that I was so huge! No wonder I could hardly walk those last couple of weeks and people kept asking me how many were in there!






Getting ready for surgery! Tom's got on an oompa-loompa suit. I'm just looking majorly puffy all over. Yuck.

Making his entrance! And this is where he peed on the doctor. Awesome. Turns out, he's a very prolific pee-er and I have been peed on I don't know how many times now. He doesn't pee on his dad, though. Hmmm.

This was the moment that I had been waiting for and dreaming about for almost two years.

I was a little disapointed in my reaction, though. Maybe it was because I was so gorked out from the spinal (which hurt like hell!), but I wasn't overcome with motherly emotions like I thought I would be. Mostly I was thinking, "God, get all that crap out of his mouth!" and "Yikes, he's gurgling in my face!" So, yeah. But looking at this picture now is a different story. I think that even his poop is cute.

So mad!!! That's the biggest mouth that I've ever seen on a baby. And that's what I've got attached to my boob every hour.

This is what I had in mind.

I have so much to say about all of this. The hospital stay, this momma thing. I can't believe what a long road this has been. I can't believe how much he looks like his brother. I'll have to save all that for another post. Ben's starting to wake up....

Make your own slide shows and scrapbooks

Introducing.....

Benjamin Thomas!!

Here is our sweet boy :) I'm so in love I don't even know what to do with myself. I'll tell you all about it soon, but everything is just going along smashingly. He's even a champ little nurser! Thank you for all of your good vibes and prayers and then all of your yipees and hoorays! More later!!

He's Here!

This is Lala's sister, Lizzie. Just wanted to update everyone and let you all know that Baby BK made it safely into the world at 7:58 this morning. He weighs 8lbs and 1oz, is 21 1/2 inches long with a full head of dark hair and HUGE feet! Baby and mommy are doing wonderful and we are all so happy he is finally here! Pics will be posted soon. Sorry about not giving away the name, I wasn't sure if Lala wanted me to do that or not so I am leaving it up to her to tell you all. Lala and Tom want to thank you all for the prayers and good wishes. Stay tuned for pics and updates!!

We're A-Okay!

I have just been so weird and I'm really sorry. Thank you for checking in on me! If I were to leave myself a comment, it would be "Listen, asshole. What is up with you? You haven't posted in like a month."

Everything is fine, though. We've made a couple of trips to L&D--one was last week for regular contractions. Tom and I had to leave in the middle of a movie...we were trying to squeeze in one more date. Oh well. Something to get used to, right? Frankly, I'll be glad to.

This weekend the crib was set up and all of Nate's things were sorted. It was easier than I thought...I didn't cry. But I really think that I couldn't have done it any earlier than the day we ended up doing it. It just felt right and okay to do it on Sunday.

The date for the c/s was moved back one day to Thursday. We're going in at 6am and the surgery is for 7:45. I had my pre-admission appointment today and I was taken by surprise at how emotional I was for the whole thing. I just wanted to put my head down and bawl. I haven't done that in a long time. Now I'm afraid at how I will handle being in the operating room. I just don't know.

I think that we've got everything ready for Piglet. I've been so neutral this whole time, just not thinking about things much. And then a few weeks ago I looked down and wondered, "When did I get this pregnant? Oh my God--this is the scary part." And it has been scary...really, really scary. We still have, I think, 40 hours to go. I'm so zoned in on his movements and I'm just trying not to do anything but sit in the recliner. Oh please let this happen.

So...7:45 on Thursday morning. Send us all your good vibes!! I think that the hospital has wi-fi in the rooms, so I'll post something that day or have my sister do it for me. I can't believe that it's so close. This just seemed impossible. Just unfathomable.